You may have already wondered why you’ve failed in every relationship so far. Maybe you’ve even asked yourself this question obsessively, until you’ve either come to a conclusion you don’t believe in yourself (for example, that you’ve had bad luck) or you’ve given up looking for the answer, passing the question to the category of the world’s great mysteries. Well, in what follows you’ll find out not only why but also what you can do about it.

To start with, it’s worth clarifying two things.

I’m talking about romantic (couple) relationships, not any other type of relationship.
Failure is measured by the fact that the relationship is over.

That’s why I say you’ve failed in all relationships, as all people do: we’ve all failed in all relationships except the one we’re in now (if we’re in any relationship at all). And the current relationship is different only in that it hasn’t failed yet. If you find the phrase “relationship failure” too harsh, take a break and think hard about whether you want to hear the truth or not, and whether you want to change things or just make excuses.

If you don’t want to solve anything please stop reading now because a problem cannot be solved by denying its existence. Explanations like “but many of my past relationships I didn’t even want to last forever” are just mental defenses and rationalizations, not valid explanations. Come back when you can show honesty first to yourself.

Still around? Alright, here’s why couples fail: lack of authenticity. I’ll explain in a minute.

Relationships fail for 3 main reasons:

1. We fall in love with illusions, not people.

Have you often heard the word “mysterious” uttered as an explanation for attraction to certain people? My, how mysterious that guy is (says a woman), hm, how mysterious that girl is (says a he). Well, the human mind does not tolerate incomplete elements. That’s why you tend to see a circle as complete even when a piece is missing. And it’s also why the mind tends to fill in the gaps of information about a person we don’t know well. With what does it fill these gaps? Basically with whatever it feels like, not necessarily related to reality. If we are attracted to the other person our mind will fill the gaps with good things: intelligence, kindness, charisma, sense of humour and so on. If we are not attracted to the person, or worse, repelled by them, the gaps will be filled with negative things: meanness, stupidity, cunning and so on. By the time we get to know the person we’ve already fallen in love with them or loathe them wholeheartedly (depending on what our first reaction was). More details on the things to look out for when choosing your partner are described in the online course How to find and keep the right partner, which you can sign up for here.

Now we’re talking about falling in love. This is how people often fall in love: not with each other but with their own fantasy about each other. And that’s also why it takes them a long time to realise that reality doesn’t correspond to fantasy. Sometimes it takes years, what, haven’t you heard that love lasts 3 years? That’s why it takes so long, because we refuse to lift the veil from our eyes and see the other as they are. And we fight with all our might not to accept reality because seeing reality involves a pain that is hard to bear because it has several implications, the most important of which are these:

• we’ve been wrong all this time
• we’re dating a stranger
• we don’t know if we want to continue the relationship

2. The other falls in love with an illusion that we gladly provide.

In general, at the beginning of any relationship, people present themselves to be different than they really are: kinder, more understanding, more romantic. But it’s all a masquerade designed to win the other person over. Of course it’s not intentional, the goal is not to fool but to form a couple with someone, knowing that if you showed yourself as you really are, no one would want you. That’s why people cheat on each other: because it seems to them that they’re not really worthy of each other’s affection. And they hope, deep down, that when the “play is over”, the other person won’t leave. There is a tipping point in any relationship beyond which the other is considered “conquered” and as such the effort of acting is hardly justified.

3. People change.

I actually have a theory on this: it’s true that sometimes people change but I think most couples fall apart because at least one partner gets tired of acting out (see previous point). And when that happens the other one appears as a stranger. Because that’s what he really is, having not let the other know him.

Do you see now why I said you failed in relationships due to lack of authenticity? Maybe just yours (point 2), maybe just the other (point 1) but more likely both (1+2+3). And until you learn to be you, you will continue to fail. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that you can do something about it: the solution is called psychotherapy. Seriously, did you really think I’d tell you otherwise?

What do you solve with psychotherapy?

First, you fix your self-image.

You can’t be authentic if you’re afraid that by being you, the other person will reject you (or dislike you, or make fun of you). But you can feel lonely even when you’re among other people, a feeling most people experience.

Adler said that all people experience a sense of inferiority that they are constantly trying to overcome. Don’t think that there are people who feel superior, because the feeling of superiority is also a feeling of inferiority (even more so than in other cases). Well, it’s not enough to be aware of the existence of inferiority, you must also be able to overcome it. And this is only done in psychotherapy, because the way it is formed differs from person to person. It is usually formed in childhood, but not necessarily, and it is usually the result of a traumatic event, but not necessarily. And that’s also why you can’t just read one book (or 100) to solve the problem, because in books you don’t find solutions to your individual problem but discussions in general. Good for information, not very effective when you have something to solve.

Secondly you know yourself, so you have something to present to the other person.

It’s no small thing to know yourself, to know what you like and what you don’t, what your weaknesses and strengths are. All people want to know themselves but many people stick to personality tests found in magazines. It’s a great shame to stop there and never get to know yourself. You might even find that you’re a cool person when you stop worrying about wearing a mask to others.

Thirdly you can get rid of the fear of being yourself.

It’s one thing to get over your inferiority and know who you are, it’s quite another to take heart and show yourself to others. If we think a bit spatially (or in 3D, if you like), the process starts from the inside, from the deep areas (inferiority), reaches the surface area (what you really are and what others can see) and ends up at the other (fear being the last obstacle between you and the other). Nice, isn’t it?

Related to this topic, you might also be interested in the course (Re)discover the courage to live your life, which you can sign up for today.

Of course, you can’t do all this by clapping your hands. But we are talking about profound changes in the human personality. But in the absence of them, how many more relationships do you want to fail in until you do something different? You know what Einstein said about that. About strategy, not failure in relationships. That the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results than the last time.