I get asked quite often how to convince someone to go to therapy.

The truth is that it doesn’t work to force someone to see a therapist. Even if therapy works for you, it may not work for someone else when that person doesn’t really want to be there, doesn’t cooperate with the therapist, doesn’t really think about what is being discussed in the office.

I see this frequently with teenagers who are forced by their parents to go to therapy under the threat of having their pocket money cut off, and with spouses who come to couples therapy under the threat of divorce. Those people don’t actually want to go to therapy, they want to keep getting pocket money or not get divorced.

If you force someone to do something, you may have apparent success, but the person being forced will most likely find a way to screw up your plan and indirectly oppose it if direct opposition hasn’t worked.

So, forcing or blackmail doesn’t work.

So what might work?

Encouragement, the strong relationship between you and that person, or the way you ask the question might work.

Let’s take them one at a time.

1. Encouragement

Encouragement doesn’t come naturally to many people, but it’s a skill that can be learned. You can start the discussion with the person you are trying to persuade by listing the things you admire about them and somehow link them to the idea that these are resources they can also use in therapy to work on the things that are not going well in their life at the moment. Be careful to be honest, encouragement doesn’t involve lying by inventing qualities the other person doesn’t have, nor does it involve being overly flattering.

2. Strong relationship with that person

If you have a close relationship with the person in question, you can use that relationship and mutual affection to persuade them to go to therapy. But, be very careful that what you don’t say doesn’t become emotional blackmail or be perceived as an ultimatum, because if that happens, it won’t work. You can tell her how important she is to you, how much you value your relationship, and how you think therapy might help.

3. How you ask the question

People who refuse to go to therapy often say they have no problem, and that the problem is everyone else around them. So, it might help if you specify some situations that have happened that indicate that the person needs therapy. Be careful to keep the discussion on the situation, not to make value judgments about the person. It’s one thing to say “in situation X you reacted this way” and another to say “you always get angry when someone tries to talk to you”.

Also bear in mind that often people who are reluctant to go to therapy may even use the symptoms as an excuse not to go. For example, someone addicted to gambling will say they don’t have the money for therapy, but at the same time lose a lot of money gambling. Or someone else with trust issues might use this as an excuse: “how can I trust a stranger to tell my problems?”.

Or a workaholic, who might need therapy for working less than 20 hours a day, might say they know they need therapy but don’t have time to go.

People use excuses like this to hide the real reasons they delay or avoid therapy. The real reasons are usually emotional and have to do with fear or shame.

So encouragement works much better than pressure or logical arguments.

Ultimately though, with all your efforts and encouragement, it is the person’s decision whether or not to go to therapy. All you can do is be there and show your support and willingness, should it be needed.

But what if you want the person to go to therapy because you can no longer bear what is happening in your relationship with that person?

It could be a partner you no longer get on with, a parent, a work colleague and so on. In this case, maybe you don’t even need the other person to go to therapy, maybe you just need to learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationship with other people. Something you can also learn in therapy.

And there’s more to say. Make sure your reason for trying to get someone to go to therapy is not selfish. If you’re desperately trying to get someone else to go to therapy and the other person’s refusal is causing you distress, you might want to talk to a therapist too. You could be in a toxic relationship, you could be suffering from a savior complex, or you could be the victim of narcissistic abuse. Whatever the situation, it’s good to find out what the problem is and, if the other person stubbornly refuses therapy, consider that the problem can be solved if you alone go to therapy.