Why is self-esteem always a hot topic?

You’ve probably also frequently heard people talk about self-esteem and thought it was a good thing and wished you could get more self-esteem from somewhere. In my clinical practice, I frequently encounter people with low self-esteem who fail to see a way out of the following vicious cycle: because they have a generally low opinion of themselves and lack self-confidence, they make decisions and do things to their disadvantage, and then the consequences of those decisions and actions come to further reinforce their low opinion of themselves.

I’ve been meaning to write this article for a long time but, until recently, I hadn’t realised how the subject should be approached. It is so simple in appearance and so much discussed that it seemed to me at first glance that there would be nothing more to say.

But that may be precisely the problem: the topic is over-discussed and the information is poorly organized and disparate, and someone seeking to clarify must first do some hard research to separate the useful information from the merely filler.

As such, this article aims to save you the work of analysis, let you focus on the ideas and, I hope, give you a chance to find some answers.

What is self-esteem

Self-esteem is the answer to the question “What do I think about who I am?”. It is the evaluation of the self-image we have of ourselves and how we have learned to relate to ourselves. I say it is a learned way because self-esteem is mostly learned in childhood and all of life goes through a continuous process of transformation.

Some people think that self-esteem is somehow passed on genetically, but this has not been scientifically proven. The empirically-intuitive argument for this idea is the otherwise common situation where a person with low or high self-esteem has a parent with the same characteristic. This, however, does not mean that self-esteem was inherited, but that the person learned self-esteem from that parent as a child.

At this point I feel the need to make a clarification. When I speak of self-esteem in this article, in the absence of further clarification, I am referring to global self-esteem. Global self-esteem is the self-image we usually have of ourselves. There is also situational self-esteem, which depends on the context in which we find ourselves: at work we may have low self-esteem because we don’t like what we do there, whereas when we get home we may have high self-esteem because we love our family. When situational self-esteem is low, it’s just a sign that we don’t want to stay in that situation.

So, in the example above, if we have low self-esteem at work because we don’t like our job, we have 3 alternatives: either change jobs, find reasons to like them, or do nothing and continue to feel bad. With global self-esteem, however, things are not that simple.

What high self-esteem is not

In order to best define self-esteem, I think it is also necessary to clarify what it is not. From a scientific point of view, something cannot be defined by its negation. That is to say, you cannot say what something is by simply saying what it is not. “Light is the absence of darkness” is a scientifically erroneous definition. However, because there is a lot of misunderstanding and prejudice around the concept, I think it is useful to do so, especially since I have already defined self-esteem by what it is, thus satisfying even the very strict.

Self-esteem is not narcissism or egoism

Just because you think highly of yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you’re narcissistic. If it did, there would only be two kinds of people in the world: narcissists and depressives. And the connection is even more difficult to make with egoism: as a rule, people with a high level of egoism also have a very low level of self-esteem and lack self-confidence, which is why they try to make up for it and get as much as possible from others without giving anything in return. They are so absorbed in satisfying their need for affection and care that they do not have the resources to give affection and care in return.

Self-esteem is not a long string of prohibitions

“Stop thinking the worst of yourself, stop criticizing yourself, stop doubting your own qualities, stop comparing yourself to others.” Such messages simply don’t work. It’s like telling a depressed person to stop being depressed. Or a nervous person to calm down. Or, for that matter, it’s like telling someone to “stop having low self-esteem.”

There are several reasons why this strategy doesn’t work. First, the brain doesn’t handle the word “no” very well. Therefore, any prohibition generates a temptation to be broken, both in children and adults. Second, the inner monologue is in an interdependent relationship with the self-image, not the cause of that image. So interfering with the inner monologue doesn’t solve much, because the self-image will continue to trigger self-critical thoughts.

Self-esteem is not something you can get from others

I often tell my patients that I’m not in the office as a cheerleader. I say this for several reasons: because if that’s what psychotherapy was all about, we could already do without it and just hang out on Facebook and read motivational posters, because if I wanted to be a motivational speaker, I wouldn’t be slogging through college and training and proclaiming myself the greatest motivational speaker of all time (after all, who could argue with me?). But the most important reason I say this is to help the person understand that the source of their motivation, their self-image and self-confidence cannot improve just because I say something uplifting or motivational to them at some point. Self-esteem is always changing, every day and with every thought or action we make. It’s not enough to go to a psychologist once or twice a week to counteract in an hour a week or a lifetime of self-criticism.

There are authors who suggest that one remedy for low self-esteem would be to go out and ask people around you what they appreciate about you. I’m not discouraging you if you want to do the experiment, I’m just warning you that you’ll be disappointed with the outcome if you expect anything to change for the better. Nothing will change because if you have low self-esteem, for every positive thing you hear from others, you’ll find a few other negative things to counter it. Or you’ll even dismantle the praise you’ve received: ‘yes, I helped him with that project, but I did it because I was bored and wanted to get rid of another, harder project that I couldn’t handle’. In this example, not only is the credit for the help given diminished to zero, but also the person’s ability to cope with more difficult situations. If we were to keep score, self-esteem is driven up 1 to 0.

Having high self-esteem is not about acting like a little kid

You might be tempted to think that having high self-esteem means valuing yourself and not denying yourself any pleasure. But self-esteem is not about acting like a toddler, but rather like a parent of a toddler who knows that long-term advantage often requires enduring short-term inconvenience.

As such, a responsible parent won’t buy their child a candy bar every time their child bumbles around the store. Likewise, if you want high self-esteem, stop acting like a spoiled brat:

– Get out of bed when the alarm goes off: you set the alarm to go off last night, it’s not like anything changed in your schedule while you were sleeping. If you have to get up at a certain time, get out of bed and stop stalling.
– start doing some of those things you keep putting off. You’ve already put them off for so long and no one else has done them, they’re not overdue and don’t need to be done. Get on with it and get it done.
– you know that chocolate you ate a few days ago because you’d “die” if you didn’t eat it? Reread that last paragraph.

Self-concept and self-image in psychology

The term “self-concept” is a general one, usually used in reference to how a person thinks about themselves, how they perceive themselves, and how they evaluate themselves. To be self-aware is to have an opinion of yourself.

Baumeister (1999), offers the following definition of self-concept: “An individual’s beliefs about himself, including personal attributes and exactly who and what he is.”

The self-concept is central to both social and humanistic psychology.

Components of the self-concept

Over time, several theories have been formulated about the self-concept.

According to social identity theory, the self-concept consists of two important parts: personal identity and social identity.

Personal identity includes such things as personality traits, physical characteristics, and other attributes that make each person unique.

Social identity includes the groups to which a person belongs: diverse associations, ethnic or racial communities, religious, political, etc.

B. Bracken showed in 1992 how the concept of self is related to six distinct areas:

– Competence area: which refers to the ability to meet basic needs
– Physical area: refers to how we feel about how we look, our physical condition and health
– Social area: refers to the ability to interact with other people
– Affective area: relates to how aware we are of our own emotional states
– Family area: relates to how well we function within the family
– Academic area: relates to success or failure at school or academically

In 1990, Lewis published a theoretical model in which the concept of self has two components.

1. The existential self

The existential self is the primary part of the self-concept or self-schema, it represents the awareness that we are separate and distinct from other persons, and the learning of the constancy of the object. Object constancy is the child’s discovery that there are entities in the world (other persons in fact, called objects) and that these entities continue to exist across time and space, even if, at some point, they cannot be seen by him. This is why most children enjoy playing hide-and-seek, because it gives them the opportunity to reconfirm their theory that the adult playing with them does not cease to exist just because they can no longer see it. Object constancy is learned from the first two to three months of a child’s life and is formed as the child interacts with the world around them.

2. The categorical self

After discovering that he is a being separate and distinct from other beings, the child begins to understand that he too is an object within the world in which he lives. And just as other objects have properties that can be observed or felt, so he has such properties. Among the first attributes recognised by the child are age (“I am two years and two months old”) and gender (“I am a girl, you are a boy”).

In early childhood, children assign themselves very concrete characteristics (age, gender, hair or eye colour, etc.). Later, self-descriptions begin to incorporate attributes further and further from concrete: psychological traits, comparative evaluations, and how they are viewed by others.

Carl Rogers (1959) viewed the concept of self as consisting of three components:

– Self-image: how you see yourself
– Self-esteem: how much value you think you have
– Ideal self: who or how you would like to be

1. Self-image

Self-image is not necessarily an accurate reflection of reality. An anorexic person can be very thin but at the same time have a self-image of being overweight. One’s self-image is determined by multiple factors: parental influences from early childhood, social pressure, peer group, beauty standards presented in the media, etc.

2. Self-esteem

Self-esteem is the extent to which we accept or are satisfied with ourselves and includes in all cases an evaluative component, with negative or positive outcomes. Self-confidence results from these evaluations.

Argyle (2008), considers that four important factors influence self-esteem:

1. Comparison with others
   If the people we decide to compare ourselves with (we call this group the reference group), seem to be happier, richer, healthier or more attractive than us, then our self-esteem will go down. If, on the other hand, those in the reference group are lower than us, our self-esteem will go up.
2. The reactions of others
   If people admire and compliment us, seek to be around us, listen to us attentively and agree with what we say, this increases our self-esteem. If we are shunned, neglected, hear negative things about ourselves, then self-esteem decreases.
3. Social status
   Some social statuses carry prestige (doctor, university professor, lawyer, pilot, etc.) and through this prestige self-esteem is positively influenced. Other statuses carry social stigma, such as ex-convict, mentally ill, unemployed or homeless. Obviously, these statuses have a negative influence on self-esteem.
4. Role identification
   The roles we have in life influence us and become part of who we are and even, to some extent, become part of our personality. We are talking about the roles we occupy in our professional, family and social lives.

The ideal self

If there is a mismatch between how you see yourself (self-image) and how you would like to be (ideal self), then this will affect how much you value yourself as a person and how much confidence you have in yourself.

When there is a difference between the ideal self and the actual experience, we say that the person is in a state of incongruence. The greater the difference, the greater the incongruity and the harder it is to bear. The methods by which people endure incongruity are usually defense mechanisms.

When the ideal self is close to the actual experience, the state of congruence arises. A state of total congruence is rarely encountered, but even its development depends on an unconditional positive attitude. Carl Rogers believed that one of the most important goals of a person is to reach the state of self-actualization and, in order to reach this state, he believed that it is absolutely necessary that the person is first in a state of congruence.

The same Rogers believed that the roots of incongruity lie in a person’s childhood. If parents condition their affection for their children and express it only when the child “earns the right to be loved” (see also the article on the narcissistic parent), then the child begins to distort childhood memories and conclude that he or she was not worthy of the parent’s affection. A parent’s unconditional love, on the other hand, encourages congruence in the child.

High self-esteem vs. low self-esteem

Research has revealed key differences between people with high and low self-esteem. For example, those with high self-esteem are more concerned with growth and development, while others are more concerned with not making mistakes and tend to exaggerate the negative side of past events (cf. Rosenberg and Owen, 2001). Moreover, people with low self-esteem tend to interpret any comment as criticism, even if that was not the other person’s intention. For this reason, these individuals often experience social anxiety and low levels of trust in others.

So far we’ve discussed self-esteem in a general way but I think it would be useful to discuss some more concrete examples. Below is a list of behaviours, which, without claiming to be exhaustive, may help you to better understand the difference between high and low self-esteem.

Signs you have high self-esteem

You are most likely to have high self-esteem if:

– You move confidently through the world: you hold your head up, your shoulders straight, you look people in the eye and walk with confidence. These are among the most visible signs of a confident person.

– You’re not afraid to say no to things that aren’t good for you as well as potentially toxic situations or people.

– You generally have an optimistic and positive attitude about life and the situations you go through (clarification: it is not necessary to be optimistic all the time, it is enough to have an inclination to see solutions rather than problems).

– You are able to see, in yourself and in others, both qualities and flaws and are willing to accept them all.

– Negative experiences don’t lead you to draw general (and negative) conclusions about life.

– You are able to freely express your thoughts, intentions and needs without fear of reprisal from others.

– You’re capable of intimacy: when we talk about intimacy, I don’t mean sex, I mean revealing your intimate thoughts, what makes you who you are. This is hard to do if you’re afraid that by doing so you might be judged or ridiculed. Many people with low self-esteem see relationships as their ultimate goal but when they enter into a relationship, real intimacy is missing because they don’t feel comfortable enough with themselves and don’t have enough self-confidence to show the other person as they are.

– You seek to do things you enjoy: if you have a job you don’t like, you may be a victim of circumstance and may not even be in a position to seek something better. It’s possible and it happens all over the world. But, probabilistically speaking, you’re more likely to be in this situation simply because of inertia, because you haven’t bothered to make a plan to change the situation and put in the effort to implement it. No one is saying it’s easy to do this, just that it’s possible.

– Understand that you are responsible for the quality of your life: people with high self-esteem have a personality trait called “internal locus of control,” which means believing that you are capable of influencing and altering the course of your life. The opposite is external locus of control, believing that life is a lottery and, whatever happens, you have nothing to do about what happens to you. The best example of such an attitude is the shepherd in the ballad Miorița who, although he knows that the other two shepherds are planning to kill him, has a passive and defeatist attitude and does nothing but complain and end his life. Obviously things happen in life that we can’t control, but our response to what happens to us is something we can almost always control.

– You’re willing to make mistakes: when you make a mistake, you don’t spend days blaming yourself for it, you don’t lock yourself in with a carton of ice cream regretting what you did. You look at the mistake as a lesson to learn or even as an indicator of progress. You understand that making a mistake is human and you don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect. You can only blame yourself when you make the same mistake more than once, but even then, blame won’t solve anything. Thomas Edison said: “I haven’t failed, I’ve just discovered 10,000 variations that don’t work.”

– You take calculated risks: you believe in your dreams and your ability to bring your plans to fruition. You’re able to move forward even under uncertainty, because you know that the alternative (stagnation) is worse and that people tend to regret more the things they didn’t do than the things they did. The opposite is settling for what you have, because you are afraid to take the step towards change. You believe more in your own limitations than in your possibilities.

– You offer honesty and appreciate it in others: people with low self-esteem use lies and deceit to protect themselves from consequences they imagine they would face if they told the truth. Honesty also contributes to increased congruence (see discussion of ideal self above).

– Take care of your physical well-being: taking care of your body is a sign of high self-esteem, because the subject only concerns you if you believe you are important enough to take care of yourself.

– Avoid self-destructive behaviors: people who like themselves generally avoid dangerous situations (addictions, impulsive behavior, poor financial decisions, dangerous relationships, etc.) because they value themselves and their lives. Those with low self-esteem think no one cares anyway, least of all themselves.

– You like children: this point is controversial and there are exceptions but most of the time people don’t like children because they feel more strongly that part of them that is weak and vulnerable in their presence. Usually these people have been ignored or lacked parental empathy and so have learnt that a child doesn’t matter, is annoying or bothersome. As adults, they cannot value themselves as long as they reject parts of their personality, in this case the wounded child they once were.

– You don’t tolerate being treated badly by others: you feel you have a right to be treated with respect and kindness no matter what, and you’re not afraid to end an abusive or toxic relationship. Those with low self-esteem usually believe that if they are treated badly, it is because of them, because they have done something to deserve it.

– Don’t be afraid to show off your accomplishments: a person with high self-esteem and self-confidence doesn’t feel the need to hide their skills or talent without constantly bragging or seeking attention from others.

Signs of low self-esteem

In addition to the flip side of the indicators mentioned in the previous paragraph (so as not to unnecessarily lengthen the list, if under high self-esteem I wrote that you’re not afraid of being wrong, here I won’t write that you’re afraid of being wrong, because it’s obvious), here are some other signs that self-esteem is something that could use some work:

– You focus on your weaknesses: nobody’s perfect, but when you only focus on what you don’t know or can’t do, you’re wasting energy that could be better used working on and improving your weaknesses. This is where my mini-course on how to stop self-criticism might help you. You can click here to see what it’s all about.

– You’re overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, shame and fear. These emotions are among the most damaging feelings we experience, and if you haven’t learned ways to deal with them properly, they can seriously affect your well-being.

– You think it’s all about luck: whenever something good happens to you, you diminish your contribution to success by telling yourself you got lucky, when the truth is you probably worked hard to achieve what you set out to do.

– You make choices not based on what you really want, but based on what you think would impress others: you choose your clothes, your college, your home decor, your car, etc. based on how you think others will react to seeing them. You do this because you are always comparing yourself to others and desperately want to win the comparison. You also do it because you desperately want to win the approval of others. What you get instead are clothes that don’t represent you, a house you don’t feel comfortable in, a car that doesn’t suit your needs and a career that doesn’t bring you any satisfaction. And most of the time, you don’t get the envy or admiration of others that you wanted. Dave Ramsey said of this behaviour that “we buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t even like”. To learn how to change this, see details of my course “(Re)Find the courage to live your life”

– You avoid conflict and say things just to please others, you are constantly concerned not to upset or annoy others. You’d rather stay cooped up in your room all day than face someone you’ve argued with.

– Sleep more as an adult than you did as a child: low self-esteem has a number of physical effects, including chronic fatigue. Excessive sleeping (more than 9 hours a day, whether or not doubled by daytime naps) can be both an indicator of depression or burnout and an avoidance tactic for the problems you face.

– Telling lies about yourself, about what you did or thought in a situation: people with low self-esteem often wear masks to gain the approval of others and present themselves as who they are not. If you’re a woman, you don’t feel able to go out into the world unmarried. No one’s saying you shouldn’t dress up and present yourself in your best light whenever necessary, but if the idea of going out without makeup gives you nightmares, it means that makeup is actually a crutch you’re using to help you feel better about yourself. Your well-being shouldn’t depend so much on makeup.

– You have trouble making and keeping decisions: whenever you feel even the slightest criticism from others, you tend to immediately re-evaluate your opinion, even when it goes against your principles. You’re afraid to even speak your mind in a discussion. Also, even after you’ve made your decision, you tend to change your mind frequently because you’re not sure your decision is right.

– You give up too easily: you give up before you’ve really started fighting for what you want. You don’t trust yourself to succeed, so you give up big time. Again, if this description fits you, the course “(Re)Find the courage to live your life” is just what you need.

Self-esteem is actually a judgment we constantly make about ourselves. This judgment plays a decisive role in the choices we make because it tells us what we consider ourselves worthy or capable of doing.

For this reason, those with low self-esteem (who perceive themselves as inferior to others), risk not reaching their full potential: they will not set worthwhile goals and work towards those goals, they will not care about their career or education, they will allow others (family members, partners, bosses) to treat them badly. All of these things affect their general well-being, and this damage causes more unpleasantness: depression, anxiety, physical ailments, etc.

Causes of low self-esteem

Factors causing low self-esteem are often difficult to pinpoint precisely, and we are usually talking about a constellation of factors, rather than a single cause. Below are a number of factors that can contribute to low self-esteem:

1. Neglectful, uninvolved or narcissistic parents. Many thought patterns are formed in childhood that then follow us throughout our lives. Our self-image is also formed then, depending on how we are treated by others, especially our parents. Parents with mental problems, alcohol abuse or personality disorders have little or no ability to provide a child with an environment conducive to development.
2. An unfriendly environment. If you spend time surrounded by people who don’t respect your opinions and feelings, who pressure you to do things you don’t want to do, or who involve you in activities that aren’t good for you, it can make you think there’s something wrong with you, and the only way you can be liked by others is to do what they want and not listen to your own intuition, which affects how you see yourself, your self-confidence, and your well-being, especially if your entourage involves you in dangerous behaviors.
3. Trauma. Physical, emotional or sexual abuse usually produces feelings of shame and guilt. The abused person often believes that the abuse was their fault because they were not worthy of the abuser’s respect, care or affection. She has concluded that she is just an object for others to play with. We are talking about “brainwashing” carried out through criticism or repeated abuse, and this conditioning only begins to be dismantled when the person abused in the past begins to question their own guilt for what happened.
4. Body image. Body image plays an important role in building self-esteem. Young girls are the segment of the population most affected by the unrealistic images presented by the media of what the ideal body should be and what a woman should look like. The treatment of women as objects in the media gives young women the idea that their bodies are only made for others to look at, touch and use. When they reach puberty and see how their bodies have not changed into what magazines have told them is the ideal body, they feel unattractive and useless. Boys are also affected by media messages about body image, although to a slightly lesser extent than girls. A man’s body is treated less as an object in Western culture and more as a sign of masculinity. This is why young men may feel inferior if, for example, they do not have enough muscle mass or if their height is below average.
5. The existential crisis. Existential crisis is a time when we question the meaning of our lives. A good time for such a crisis is entering adulthood, when a person may feel overwhelmed by responsibilities and too small to survive in such a big world.
6. Unrealistic expectations. Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves or try to meet the unrealistic expectations of others (family, friends, colleagues) of us. Setting unrealistic goals (e.g., to be liked by everyone) inevitably leads to failure to achieve those goals and, as a result, feeling like everything you do is a failure.
7. Vicious circles. When you do something that is not good for you and you think “that’s just who you are”, you have no reason to choose differently in a similar situation in the future. So you’ll continue to make the same decisions that confirm your belief that “this is who you are”.
8. Marginalization. People tend to fear those who are different from them and, as such, treat them differently and often badly. Difference can stem from any characteristic: physical appearance, race or ethnicity, health status, socio-economic status, religion, sexual orientation, etc. People who are marginalised for one or more reasons are at higher risk of low self-esteem. It is important to note that not all marginalised people will have low self-esteem. Some people will decide to put less value on areas where their chances of success are low and focus on something else. For example, someone who comes from a low-income family may not see their value as an individual as determined by the car they drive, but by their physical condition (an area over which they have more control).

The effects of low self-esteem on well-being

Low self-esteem correlates with a high number of conditions or risk situations such as:

• depression (cf. Silverstone and Salsali, 2003)
• anxiety
• premature sexual debut
• unplanned teenage pregnancy
• low school performance
• school dropout
• alcohol abuse
• drug use
• violent or antisocial behavior
• eating disorders
• low self-esteem destroys your well-being and robs you of the joy of life

The vicious circle of self-criticism robs a person of the joy of living: in time, he or she may stop doing things that give pleasure for fear of being judged by others. Enjoyable activities might be replaced by self-destructive behaviours such as substance abuse or neglecting personal hygiene. Self-distrust can affect your productivity at work or school. You may worry so much about what others think of you that you forget to focus on what you have to do. You won’t take risks and set goals because you’re convinced you’ll fail and, as such, lack resilience in the face of life’s challenges.

Low self-esteem can also affect your social life, because you don’t believe you are worthy of affection and, as a result, you will try to win the affection of others by tolerating behaviours that harm you. The fear of rejection may even make you avoid relationships altogether, but the social isolation you enter into further accentuates your negative self-image.

For a person to experience well-being they need a number of basic needs to be met. When you are aware of what you need to feel good and when you make efforts to meet those needs, your self-esteem increases as an effect of your overall well-being.

The basic needs of a person are as follows:

– the need for safety
– the need to receive and give attention
– the need to take care of one’s own body
– the need for meaning, significance and purpose
– the need to be connected to something beyond oneself
– the need for stimulation and creativity
– the need for intimacy and connection with others
– the need to feel in control of aspects of existence
– the need for status and recognition from others

Surely, in the course of our lives, we may face situations where one or more of these needs are not fully met or not met at all. In the long run, however, we can only enjoy a state of well-being if we attend, at least from time to time, to each of these needs.

Building self-esteem and regaining self-confidence

Self-esteem is an attitude, and as such can be changed over time. This process is not a simple one and often involves stepping out of one’s comfort zone, adapting to the situation and confronting fear.

If you want to increase your self-esteem, you’ll need to make the decision to become aware of what you’re doing and move from a state of passivity to one of action. But to know what you have to do, you need to know what you really want, beyond what others want from you, and take responsibility for your life. To do that requires letting go of all the misconceptions you have about yourself.

No one is born with a low opinion of themselves, you learn to have a low opinion of yourself. And maybe you’ve become so accustomed to those thoughts that you don’t even realize how much they’re really hurting you.

In addition to deciding to start psychotherapy, here are some things you can do to regain your self-confidence:

– Make peace with the past: Some of this process may require psychotherapy, but you can take the first step yourself. It’s important to understand that if your parents couldn’t give you what you needed as a child, it’s because adults aren’t perfect, and more than that, it had nothing to do with you, and you’re not to blame for it. Coming to terms with the past doesn’t necessarily mean not grieving for what happened or not caring that it happened. It means finding a way to move forward despite the pain, without what happened defining you.

– Choose the people you spend time with carefully: You need to be among people who appreciate you for who you are, not for what they can get out of you.

– Turn to psychotherapy to heal past traumas: You’ve come this far and survived because of your strength, but it might be easier to turn painful past events around if you have some support and guidance in doing so.

– Learn to see your body less as a source of satisfaction for others and more as a vehicle with which you experience, experience and change the world around you. By looking at it this way, you begin to understand that there is no ideal body and that how your body functions matters much more than what others think it looks like.

– Question your negative thoughts: You might need a little training for this but the process isn’t complicated. When you have a negative thought, e.g. “person X hates me”, question it: do you have reasons or evidence to believe this? Then, if there is no evidence that this person hates you, try to phrase the situation in a different way, e.g. “I am interested in X’s opinion of me and would like to become friends”. By looking at things more constructively, you not only stop feeling the negative emotions associated with the thought of someone hating you, but you even give yourself the opportunity to prove yourself wrong at first sight and that the person doesn’t hate you at all.

– Simplify your life: Just as you have thoughts you don’t need, you may also have things around the house that you don’t need and that just take up space: clothes that no longer fit, electronics that no longer work or that you no longer use, and many other things that just take up space and create the impression that you own a lot of stuff. Clean out your house and throw away or donate all the things that are no longer useful. You’ll feel liberated.

– Change your perspective: Do something out of character, take a different route to work, go on a city break, work from a coffee shop instead of your home or office. Changing just one behaviour in this way can put things in a different light and motivate you to make even bigger changes in your life.

– Take up a hobby: We all have things we’ve longed to do, but never find time for. We may tell ourselves that we don’t have time or money for them but, in reality, we know there are ways to do them if we are determined about it. When you have low self-esteem, you find excuses not to do things but ultimately the reason you don’t do them is because you don’t feel you deserve to do what you are passionate about.

– Do something for others: Numerous studies show that helping others correlates positively with high levels of positive emotions and overall psychological well-being. When you help someone, remember that you also receive a benefit from that act of kindness, not just the person you are helping. In fact, it’s possible that the benefit you get is even greater.

– Another way to help is to teach someone something. You know things others don’t know. Because you know something, you may put little value on that knowledge, but other people may need someone to teach them how to do something, even something as simple as changing a light bulb or rearranging a closet of clothes. By doing this, you not only show that you have knowledge that can be valuable to others, but you also get the satisfaction of having helped someone else.

How to regain the courage to be yourself

When a person has low self-esteem, they tend to believe that all the problems they have are their own fault. In that state, you tend to blame yourself for everything that happens to you, but once in a while it’s good to take a break and assess the situation: is your job really that stressful, are you not getting along with your family, are you not happy with your home? By analysing things this way, you can become more aware of the source of your dissatisfaction and start working on a plan to change things.

In 2007, a study was done in which researchers asked participants to sit in front of a camera, make up a story for the kids, and tell it while the camera recorded them. They were then asked to rate both their own and other participants’ recordings. Among other findings, the experiment showed that people with low scores on the “self-clarity” indicator did not rate their own recordings. Self-clarity is defined as “understanding who you are”. It refers to how well we know our strengths and weaknesses and how able we are to accept them. Participants in the experiment who had a low level of self-clarity rated their performance as very poor and felt nervous or embarrassed when asked to review their own recording. Overall, they rated their performance below the average of the scores given by other participants. Participants with a high level of self-rating were not bothered to review their own recording and their rating was close to the average rating of others.

Self-clarity is not necessarily an innate trait and can be trained. If you want, you can try the following experiment: think of an embarrassing moment from high school or college, a moment you’re ashamed of even now when you remember it. Recall the moment in detail: what exactly happened before the event, who else was there, how did you feel at the time?

When you focus on factual information, you’ll feel the emotional impact of the memory slowly diminish. Then it’s time to let what you feel about the event slowly surface. To do this, ask yourself three questions.

The first question is how many times have other people had a similar experience? The question will be asked more specifically: how many times have other people experienced X? You will then conclude that, although it was an embarrassing moment, many others have gone through it too.

The second question is: if a friend told you the same story, how would you respond? If he told it in a joking tone, you’d probably laugh along with him.

The third question is whether you can imagine the event from the perspective of another person who participated in the events. By doing so, you will gain a new perspective on things, a perspective that might change the way you interpret the whole memory.

Such an exercise allows you to see the nuances: you can’t blame someone else, and you can’t say that only you can put yourself in such embarrassing situations. It forces you to look at your own record but also to see beyond yourself and what you thought was an absolute (and negative) truth about what happened to you.

Are you what you think?

Ralph Waldo Emerson said that you are the thing you think about all day. Buddhist teachings also have at their core the idea that you are what you think. While I don’t fully subscribe to this idea, there is compelling evidence that our thoughts strongly influence our mood and well-being, the choices we make, our self-confidence and self-esteem.

We are not just our thoughts. There are higher levels of thoughts that can control, influence or direct thoughts. Therefore, to a certain extent you are what you think, but at the same time you are not just what you think. Self-esteem can be changed, both through your personal effort and through a psychotherapeutic process.

You may want to take a look at the mini-course “How to stop automatic thoughts” if this is an issue you struggle with.

Self-confidence, the key to success?

When you weigh things up, you might be tempted to think that the antidote to low self-esteem is to increase self-esteem. But it’s good to be careful not to overdo it, because too much self-esteem is almost as bad an idea. In general, in life, well-being comes from a state of balance, not overcompensation.

Recent research correlates high self-esteem with aggressive tendencies and even criminal behavior. There is elevated self-esteem at a healthy level but also pathologically elevated self-esteem, which usually results in anti-social or narcissistic behavior.

Having too much self-esteem can lead you into unpleasant situations, especially caused by overestimating your own abilities. As a result, high self-esteem, although in itself a good thing, should be consumed in moderation so as not to face side effects.