The narcissistic parent

In psychotherapy there is the idea that the way you experienced your childhood has a crucial influence on your development and functioning as an adult. But which elements are most at risk and how do these elements translate into symptoms and behaviours?

In my experience, a major risk is growing up with narcissistic parents. The narcissistic parent suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, a disorder that makes relationships with this person difficult at best and abusive at worst. It is important to say that not every abusive parent (physically or emotionally) is narcissistic, but narcissistic parents are always abusive.

Recently (within the last 5 years to be precise) a new syndrome has begun to be studied, namely Narcissism Victim Syndrome. This syndrome usually affects people who have had a long-term relationship with a narcissist, but those who have had parents with this disorder are the most affected by the consequences, because a child has far fewer ways of defending themselves and the parent-child relationship creates the environment for abuse. Even when the child tries to defend him/herself, this causes guilt or shame, because it is his/her parent.

Symptoms of Narcissism Victim Syndrome

Victims of narcissism have many symptoms usually associated with trauma:

• have avoidant behavior
• quickly lose interest in activities and people
• feel they have no future
• disrupt eating and sleeping patterns
• have a pronounced sense of detachment
• manifest hyper- vigilance
• exhibit irritability
• feel easily frightened
• feel hopeless
• have self-abusive behaviours
• have psychosomatic disorders (without biological cause)
• have negative or even suicidal thoughts

Victims of narcissism frequently experience feelings of humiliation, shame and are prone to self-blame. They began to take responsibility for the abuse on the part of the narcissist because the narcissist constantly told them it was their fault. Some of these victims develop Stockholm Syndrome (emotional attachment to the abuser) and feel the need to defend and make excuses for him (the behaviour is particularly prominent in the psychotherapy session where you start probing what is going on and the abuse starts to be revealed).

Victims of narcissism tend to dissociate: from their own body, from their emotions, from their environment. Because they have lived their entire childhood in a war zone and have been subjected to all forms of control (physical, mental, emotional and economic abuse, coercion, threats and intimidation, isolation, blaming), victims are accustomed to living constantly under the threat of further abuse. Therefore, dissociation is an automatic defence mechanism in the face of this permanent and overwhelming stress.

When raised by a narcissist, this often means that the child’s needs are rarely met by a distracted parent incapable of empathy. A child needs to feel protected and loved, and a narcissistic parent is more likely to be preoccupied with their own needs and interests and less consumed with caring for the child.

A narcissistic parent will violate the child’s personal boundaries, disrespect the child’s privacy, manipulate by withdrawing affection and attention until the child does what he or she is told, and generally neglect the child’s needs because he or she is convinced that his or her own needs must always take priority. Since image is extremely important to the narcissist, he will often demand perfection from the child.

The result is that both parent and child will be eternally dissatisfied with the child’s performance. The child could spend his entire life trying to please someone impossible to please. His or her life will be devoted to the obsessive pursuit of perfection, alternating with periods of depression over failing to achieve that perfection.

Here are 18 signs you were raised by a narcissistic parent

1. No respect for your property and privacy

When you get something, it’s never permanent: there’s always a risk that it will be taken away from you, either as punishment or simply because the parent feels like it. If you dare to comment, you are told that the thing was never really yours, at most it was lent to you. You have no possessions, everything in the house belongs to the father, because it is his house. Your things are sometimes given to others right in front of you, the food on your plate can be taken from you at any time, especially when you are “disobedient”. The punishment of going to bed without eating is common, even for little things you’ve done (for example, you had a certain tone of voice when you said goodnight).

Your opinion is offered without being consulted and your opinions are really those of the parent, who speaks for you as if you were nothing more than an appendage, an extension of him: you will sometimes be surprised to learn, for example, that you can’t stand eating beef, that you don’t like the cinema and that woollen clothes irritate your skin, even though you didn’t know all these things about yourself.

The narcissistic parent assumes about the child that it is identical to itself, and any action of the child that seems to contradict this idea is interpreted as defiance and harshly punished.

The narcissistic parent will discuss the child as if the child is not present and will take the opportunity to criticize him (“Georgel is a very quiet boy, he even worries me sometimes”), to humiliate him (“Georgel peed his pants this week while he was at school”), to demonstrate his devotion as a parent and how many sacrifices he makes (“honey, do you know how hard it is to have such a heavy-headed child?”).

The child raised by a narcissist has no idea what it means to have privacy when you’re in the bathroom (because the narcissistic parent doesn’t allow personal space and as such the door won’t be able to be locked and the absolute master of the house attitude doesn’t prompt him to knock on the door before entering) or in his own room, if he has one. The narcissistic parent eavesdrops on phone conversations, reads emails or letters not addressed to him, asks prying questions and rummages through personal belongings, all under the guise of needing to know what is going on with his child.

Sure, having a conversation with him might solve this problem without violating the child’s privacy, but open discussion is a skill completely foreign to the narcissist because whenever the child tries to say something, he is met with criticism, bickering, and discontent. Slowly, the child will only respond with “okay” to any question the parent asks.

Any attempt to gain autonomy will be harshly punished: normal moments of growing up (such as boys starting to shave or girls starting to wear make-up) are met with resistance and allowed only after countless insistences but, even then, there will be retaliation (called “consequences” by the parent, because in this way the fault seems to belong to the child): “if you’re old enough to wear make-up and see boys, you’re old enough to buy your own clothes”.

2. The narcissistic parent criticizes harshly and mercilessly

He will utter judgments about the child, always said in a fatherly and almost warm tone: “you’ve always been a difficult child”, “you know you’re not as smart as other children”, “you’re not a pretty face, you need to emphasize other attributes”, “you’ve put me through so much trouble, ever since you were born” (the story of the birth that lasted 2 days and 2 nights and almost killed her is a common lait-motif, the purpose being to emphasize to the child how much she owes to the parent) and so on.

Often the criticism is “blanket-shot” (a term from the game of billiards which means that in order to hit an inaccessible ball directly, you must first hit the edge of the playing surface): although only the child is in the room, the narcissistic parent will complain that no one cares about him, that no one helps him, that everyone is so selfish and no one really loves him.

The narcissistic parent ridicules the child’s opinions. Every remark he makes is looked upon with condescension and amusement, as if he’s just heard the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, even when it’s not that at all. Anything the child says will be reproduced by the parent when other people are present as a good joke. If they all laugh, the child will be deeply embarrassed.

The narcissistic parent will also show his or her disregard in more subtle ways: for example, if the child complains about the way he or she has been treated by others, the parent will take that person’s side, even if he or she doesn’t even know him or her, just to prove to the child that he or she is wrong no matter what he or she does.

3. The narcissistic parent frequently lies so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their own behaviors and words

Whenever there is an emotional stake, the narcissistic parent is inclined to lie about the situation: it’s how they create conflict and satisfy their own need for drama and tragedy. The lies frequently include what other people have said, done or felt and the reality is manipulated and forced to fit the narcissist’s pathological pattern.

The lies are usually carefully planned and there is always the possibility of denial and exoneration. The truth is distorted rather than invented, which makes it very difficult to combat the interpretations given of the facts.

While towards less close people the manipulation is more subtle, towards you the narcissistic parent doesn’t feel the need to be so cautious so will often lie to your face. When you remind him of something he did, he will either say he doesn’t remember the episode or that you have an overactive imagination. Another typical response is “it’s been so long since then, why do you always have to dig up the past?”

If you ever manage to corner him and he is forced to admit what he has done, the narcissistic parent will seek to minimize the situation by saying that it is possible that, perhaps, he has done or said something that is likely to have upset you. As you can see, everything is relativized and accountability is still missing.

4. The narcissistic parent will destroy your relationships with other people

The narcissistic parent makes full use of envy, contempt, and anger as destructive emotions likely to drive siblings away from each other. When children still live with their parents, any child who resists the narcissistic parent will draw retaliation from all the children and thus anger from his or her siblings. These children, if they have already been “trained” to obey, will rage at the rebel instead of directing their anger where it belongs, namely at the abusive parent.

Sibling relationships remain cold and distant even after leaving the parental home, especially if the narcissistic parent continues to control communication by making sure that all talk goes through him. In this way he can decide what everyone hears and sow drama in the children’s lives. The narcissistic parent cultivates disagreements between siblings partly because he or she feels it keeps control of their lives and partly because the scandal and tension within the family provides more powerful stimuli than watching a soap opera.

5. The narcissistic parent will transfer adult responsibilities to you as quickly as possible

Your cousins were never welcome in your home (because “it’s not your home, it’s mine”) and as soon as you had your first job, you took responsibility for whatever your needs were. If you needed clothes you could buy them, because you “had your own money”. Maybe you had unreasonable responsibilities around the house (for example, a 10-year-old you could ask to tidy his room but you couldn’t ask him to cook for the whole family) or maybe you even parented one of your younger siblings.

All your childhood you were always the emotional support of the narcissistic parent and as a result, you were never allowed to have needs of your own or ever complain about anything. Whenever you tried to do so he would remind you of all the sacrifices and suffering he had gone through, with two major implications: first, that you are not allowed to complain because you didn’t suffer so much, and second, that you owe him for all the suffering and it’s time to resume your role as emotional support instead of complaining “all the time.”

6. The narcissistic parent constantly projects their own attitudes onto their children

Projection is about denying undesirable behaviors about yourself, attributing them to yourself, and punishing yourself for having them. For example, when he asks you for something unacceptable and you refuse, he tells you through his teeth that you’ll talk about it when you calm down and stop being angry. In fact, the narcissistic parent is the angry one but is projecting the anger onto you because your refusal made him feel shame for the exaggerated request he made. Since shame is an intolerable feeling for a narcissist, the solution is to attribute the anger (and therefore its result – shame) to someone else, i.e. you. And then he can tell himself with satisfaction that he doesn’t understand why he has a child with whom nothing can be discussed because he gets angry at everything.

The tactic of delaying the discussion “until you calm down” also gives her time to weaken your resolve through the silent treatment or through tantrums or crying, so that you have a greater inclination to simply give in when the subject is reopened.

7. Makes you think you’re starting to lose your mind

Confronted with what he’s done, the narcissistic parent will say you don’t know what you’re talking about, doesn’t remember, or has no idea what you’re talking about. Your perception of reality is always in question, as is the quality of your memory, to the point where you no longer trust your own memories or thoughts. It’s a common tactic with all kinds of abusers.

You will hear other things about yourself from the narcissistic parent, such as that you are unstable, overly sensitive, that you imagine things that didn’t happen, that you exaggerate, that you are hysterical and irrational. You might even hear that you are psychotic and need a psychiatrist.

These conclusions he will communicate to others in the form of concern for you: he doesn’t know why you are acting so irrational and why you are so angry with him. He feels very hurt by your behaviour and doesn’t know what he has done to deserve it because he only wanted the best for you because he loves you.

There are many benefits that come from making yourself look crazy: the narcissistic parent is absolved of any responsibility, he has concluded that you have no reason to be angry with him, there is something fundamentally wrong with you, and your credibility with others is drastically undermined.

8. Any form of abuse can be negated by a plausible explanation

No matter what happens, there is always an explanation that puts the narcissistic parent in a favorable light: harsh criticism is masked as concern, cruel remarks are actually evidence of affection, aggression is presented as caring.

In order to hide emotional abuse, the narcissistic parent will always be careful not to tell anyone else what they have done and will strongly support the principle that dirty laundry is washed in the family. He will criticize you harshly to other people but will always be careful to dress that criticism in the form of the parent’s sincere concern for a child who is not quite normal. That’s why the children of a narcissistic parent will always feel that no one believes them and that no one understands the suffering they are going through.

9. The narcissistic parent is dominated by envy

The narcissistic parent is constantly concerned with getting what others have. If he sees something that someone else is proud of, he will do anything to get that thing for himself. If he can’t, he will criticize to the point of saturation the other person’s decision to acquire that item.

The narcissistic parent is also envious of other people’s relationships. We’ve already talked about how it creates emotional distance between siblings, but when they grow up and have families of their own, the narcissistic parent will harshly criticize their daughter-in-law or son-in-law, try to destroy their children’s couple relationship, and meddle inordinately in raising their grandchildren.

10. The narcissistic parent will manipulate your emotions to feed off your suffering

This behavior is so common that children of narcissistic parents often characterize them as emotional vampires: they will say something extremely disturbing to you with a smile on their face, poking you right in your sensitive spots.

A particular form of this behavior combines attention-getting with the need for the listener to suffer in accordance with his or her unhappiness: the narcissistic parent often plays the role of martyr, saying that he or she is not loved by anyone, that everyone is so selfish, and that he or she just wants to die. Which leads us to our next point.

11. The narcissistic parent loves to be the center of attention

A characteristic of all narcissists, in the case of those who are also parents there are a number of peculiarities given by the fact that they perceive their own children as the ideal sources of attention and adoration.

Whatever the situation, the narcissistic parent will seek to draw attention to themselves or spoil the moment whenever someone else is the center of attention, including one of their children. As he gets older, the narcissistic parent may even take advantage of the challenges of aging and the limitations inherent in the process. To cause drama and get your attention, he may neglect his health or go so far as to even do things he knows will harm him.

12. The narcissistic parent discriminates against his children

It is common for the narcissistic parent to choose a “golden child” and a “black sheep”. The golden child gets preferential treatment and the narcissistic parent identifies with it but only as long as the child does exactly what the parent asks. The golden child must be cared for assiduously by all members of the family, especially the black sheep, which is not allowed to have needs of its own. The golden child is never wrong, the black sheep is always at fault.

This contributes to the separation between siblings and this separation is maintained by the parent through favoring and unfair behavior.

Depending on the number of children in the family, there may be several golden children and several black sheep. If we are talking about an only child, then it is almost always a black sheep.

13. The narcissistic parent terrorizes his child

For all abusers, fear is the best way to maintain control over the victim and the narcissistic parent constantly trains their child to respond to this stimulus, even when they are not present. Even as the child grows up, he or she continues to feel that fear, reactivated at any time by a specific look from the parent or a simple raise of the eyebrow.

Not all narcissists physically abuse, but when they do, that abuse can take forms that are hard to prove. For example, the child will not be beaten savagely so that physical abuse can be demonstrated but will be locked out of the house, possibly in the cold, for several hours. Another form of abuse is refusing to defend yourself from other abusers or encouraging others to abuse you: for example, if the narcissistic parent is the mother, she might encourage the father to hit you because you were not obedient.

14. You are always to blame for what happens to you

In addition to the abuse itself, a more perverse form of abuse is blaming yourself for what happens to you. You’re guilty because he punished you, if you were an obedient child you wouldn’t “force” the punishment. As it stands though, there being something wrong with you, he had no choice. He wasn’t about to let you take the wrong path…

The narcissistic parent will tell you that you’ve upset him so much that he can’t even think straight. Do you know how hard that is for him? Why can’t you be an understanding child? That’s why you ate the beating.

15. The narcissistic parent is extremely sensitive to criticism

If you criticize him, he will interpret this behavior as defiance and the punishment will be harsh and swift.

16. The narcissistic parent is behaving childishly

If you refuse to allow yourself to be manipulated, a narcissistic mother for example will burst into bitter tears saying you don’t love her, because if you did love her you would let her do what she wants. She will tell you that you hurt her and you will regret what you did after she is dead.

Even as a child, if you pointed out to her that a behavior was wrong, she would tell you that you did something that, in her mind, was comparable. As if a child’s behavior justifies similar behavior from an adult. For the narcissist, however, being even-handed is an extremely important thing. Every time you do something he doesn’t like, you’ll see what happens to you.

17. The narcissistic parent never feels they are wrong

You will never hear a sincere apology from a narcissistic parent, no matter what they’ve done. There is always a justification, a cause and often that cause is you (forgot there’s something wrong with you?).

Solutions are of the form “I’m sorry you felt I humiliated you in front of relatives”, “I’m sorry but it was just a joke, stop being so sensitive” and the classic “I’m sorry my own child feels the need to make me feel bad and hurt me”.

18. At the end of the day, he starts feeling sorry for himself

When he has no choice and all diversionary strategies have failed, the narcissistic parent begins to feel sorry for himself. He’s a martyr who sacrificed himself for his family and children and they don’t see all he’s done for them. He feels so bad he just wants to die.

Taking responsibility for what he did is sorely lacking. Furthermore, if you don’t respond to this ostentatiously displayed suffering, you will be the villain again. How can you remain indifferent to your parent’s suffering?

How narcissistic parenting affects a child’s emotional and psychological development

The narcissistic parent does not see the child as a person distinct from the self but rather as an extension of the self, a mirror or even a servant. That’s why childhood with a narcissistic parent is one of the most traumatic experiences anyone can go through. And, because of the conditioning to accept the abuse, it is perpetuated long after the child grows up and leaves home.

Children of narcissistic parents grow up feeling disempowered, powerless and disconnected from their Real Self. The critical voice of the parent begins to be internalized in childhood so that, in adulthood, the presence of the critical parent is no longer necessary: the person is constantly criticizing himself. He is as ruthless in self-criticism as the parent was in childhood. If you find yourself in this situation, take a look at my mini-course on “How to stop self-criticism” by clicking here.

These children grow up with an acute sense of inferiority, fear of rejection and punishment, and as such are often perfectionists. They grow up convinced that they have no right to have needs and that if they express any demands of others, they will be rejected.

Therapeutic Intervention in Narcissism Victim Syndrome

Therapeutic intervention is complex and long-term. Not only must all the conditionings entrained by the narcissistic parent be addressed, but mature and constructive defense and self-control mechanisms must also be mastered.

First, the patient will be taught that he has a voice of his own, even if he has never been allowed to make it heard. Acquiring their own voice will then enable them to become aware of their own needs and communicate them to others, to improve their relationships with other people, to get out of abusive, toxic or codependent relationships (because someone affected by this syndrome tends towards such relationships). If you’re struggling to get out of a relationship that is hurting you, here are details of my guide on how to get out of one.

Reconnecting with the Real Self can be achieved through creative and artistic activities. Special attention can be given to the performing arts, if the person is interested in such activities. Performing arts are those in which the artist is both the creator and the product of the artistic endeavour: dance and theatre are the most obvious examples.

The performing arts allow not only reconnection with the Real Self but also the growth of bodily intelligence. It is not only the child’s mind that has learned to fear the parent and people in general but also his body. Increased bodily intelligence allows the person to learn that there are other options besides constantly tensing up waiting for a blow or an insult. If the performing arts are not of interest, similar benefits can be gained by regular practice of a sporting activity.

If you think these things apply to you, you can reach out to me to discuss.

Change is possible if you are willing to make the necessary effort, which I won’t hide from you is considerable.