Narcissistic abuse in relationships

An often overlooked form of abuse is narcissistic abuse. Because the abuser is usually extremely manipulative and makes the victim believe that she is the crazy one or that she just thought she was, this type of abuse is hard to identify, especially by someone who has never encountered such behaviour before.

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of controlling, contemptuous, and demeaning behavior, a form of emotional or physical abuse in which the abuser exhibits traits from a cluster of personality disorders, including narcissism. It most often occurs is in relationships with an unhealthy power dynamic and is intended to cause the victim to question their own worth.

Narcissistic abuse is a very dangerous form of abuse because it can be very hard to spot – and often many people even mistake it for love.

Narcissism is a personality disorder characterised by problems with self-esteem and self-love.

This disorder causes the person to have an exaggerated sense of importance, power and knowledge which they then use to control others to satisfy their own needs.

The narcissist will use manipulative and abusive behaviour to control and dominate the other person as much as possible. This includes verbal abuse and gaslighting – both classic bully tactics.

Narcissists may also use physical harm, sexual assault and other violent behaviour to intimidate others into accepting their point of view.

The narcissistic abuser usually projects their own feelings and insecurities onto their victim. This means they blame the victim for their problems and invalidate the victim’s feelings while continually finding ways to put themselves on a pedestal.

The term narcissistic abuse was first coined by psychotherapist Dr. Robert W. Firestone in 1979. Recently, it has begun to be used more widely due to society’s growing awareness of mental health issues and the momentum of the #MeToo movement.

Narcissistic abuse is not limited to intimate, couple relationships, but can also happen in friendships or family relationships.

Narcissistic abusers are most likely to target people who tend to be empathetic or sensitive to the needs of others. They will then find these people’s weaknesses and exploit them for their own personal gain.

What are the signs of narcissistic abuse?

Narcissists are hard to spot at first, because the relationship begins with an assiduous courtship in which they are extremely charming and tell you exactly what you want to hear. After that, however, when they have secured your affection, they begin to reveal their true side, that of a person completely lacking empathy and a sense of entitlement to special treatment from everyone.

Narcissistic abusers take advantage of their victims by making them feel guilty, withholding their affection, controlling them, taking control of their lives and more. If you are currently in a relationship with someone who does any of these things to you – then this is what narcissistic abuse looks like.

Other signs that you might be in a relationship with a narcissist are the following:

• you always seem to have to ‘tiptoe’ around them for fear of upsetting them
• they always put themselves first and don’t care how the other person feels
• they always take advantage of other people’s naivety and have no remorse about it
• they think too highly of themselves and think they are better than everyone else
• they frequently make grandiose statements about themselves
• they are extremely critical and nothing the other person does is good enough for them

Narcissistic abuse can be physical or emotional. It is often a combination of the two and often escalates over time. Narcissists use a range of tactics to control their partners: bullying, blaming, smothering, yelling, withholding affection and so on.

Narcissistic abuse can be difficult to identify because it is such an all-encompassing type of abuse. There is such a wide range of behaviours that can be categorised as narcissistic abuse that it is sometimes very difficult to identify where one person’s boundaries begin and the other person’s end, or what behaviour is considered abusive versus what behaviours are just normal.

Narcissistic abuse usually starts with a lot of “love bombing” and assiduous courtship. After a while, these behaviors turn into more abusive ones, such as gaslighting and devaluing, which usually last for longer periods.

Types of narcissistic abuse

Relationship abuse comes in different forms. Narcissistic abuse is often hard to identify because sometimes people are unaware of what the abusive behaviour is.

Narcissistic abuse can be difficult to identify because it is so ingrained in a person’s psyche that they may not realise they are being abused. The early stages of narcissistic abuse can be hard to spot, but if you know what to look for, it becomes easier and clearer as time goes on.

Narcissistic abuse comes in many forms, the most common of which include: silent treatment, smear campaigns, name-calling, neglectful behaviour, victim blaming and gaslighting.

What is the silent treatment?

Silent treatment is when the abuser does not respond and does not communicate for days, weeks or months at a time.

Silent treatment is a way of controlling and dominating the partner’s emotions. The abuser gives an ultimatum at the beginning of the relationship that they will never speak to them again if they do something wrong. The silent treatment becomes less about discipline and more about power over their partner. They control how their partner feels with silence alone, so they are able to hurt without having to physically hurt.

What is the Defamation Campaign

The smear campaign involves gossiping about the victim to as many people as possible with the aim of discrediting the victim. If this campaign succeeds, the abuser will position himself as the victim and the victim will be seen as the abuser by people they know.

In this way, she will have no one to complain to, no one to ask for help, and no one to confirm that she doesn’t think it’s right and that what’s happening is wrong.

What does verbal abuse involve?

Verbal abuse includes insults and name-calling, but is not limited to these. Excessive criticism, belittling someone’s actions or assigning negative labels are all forms of verbal abuse.

What does careless behaviour mean?

Neglectful behaviours are very varied, ranging from more subtle forms such as ignoring the other person to outright sabotage. For example, the wife tells the husband to pick up the children from school today and the husband “forgets” to do so. The husband tells the wife to make sure he pays the installment on a loan and she forgets to do it.

Of course, forgetting is something normal that can happen to anyone, but if we are talking about systematic and repetitive behaviour, we can think that the explanation is of a different nature.

Apart from forgetfulness, there are other forms of careless behaviour, for example, neglecting the fact that your wife wants flowers for her birthday, even though you know she wants them and you have been together for many years, during which time she has had the same wish.

How does victim blaming happen?

Victim blaming is another form of abuse, which assumes that whatever the abuser did, his or her action is explainable and even excusable by something the victim did or did not do. For example, you’re blaming him for hitting you because you just know he doesn’t like you talking to him when he’s watching the game.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often manifests itself in relationships. Gaslighting is a type of abuse that causes someone to question their own sanity and feel powerless and confused. It is a term often used to describe the process of manipulation and exploitation that can take place in an emotionally abusive relationship.

The term comes from a 1938 play called Gaslight, in which the wife tries to convince her husband that he is insane by distorting reality and convincing him that she sees things.

Unlike the smear campaign, which discredits you as a victim in the eyes of others, gaslighting discredits you in your own eyes, until you come to wonder if you really are insane and didn’t think you were.

What causes narcissistic abuse?

There are many factors that contribute to narcissistic abuse: toxic environments (such as disorganised families), fear (and narcissists use this fear to maintain their power), control (they want control over how people look at them and what they think of them) and low self-esteem (they use other people as a reflection of themselves).

The characteristics of the abuser depend on their personality type and what they want to get out of the abuse. There are four types of abusers: dominant abusers, stalkers, avoiders and covert (or passive-aggressive) abusers.

The narcissist’s need for attention and to be told that he is not worthless has its roots in childhood. When they were children, their parents were either always there to take care of them, or they never were. Either they had overly cautious (or downright cowardly, “scared of bombs” as one might say) parents, or they had parents who gave all their attention to other children, ignoring them.

In response to these behaviours, the narcissist either comes to feel that they are the centre of the universe, or they come to believe that they are nothing, and therefore have to construct a false self that allows them to function in the world.

The negative cycle of narcissistic violence in a relationship

Violence can be cyclical in a narcissistic relationship because the abuser will use violence to bring their partner back under control and then apologise with gifts or sweet words. This cycle can continue indefinitely or until the victim leaves the relationship.

The problem is that as the cycle progresses, the abuser becomes more aggressive because he knows he has room to manoeuvre and will most likely be able to escape the consequences next time.

The ultimate goal of narcissistic abuse is to dominate, control and keep the victims dependent on the narcissist so that the narcissist can continue to receive attention, love, admiration, adulation, wealth, etc. from them. This creates a cycle where survivors are always trying to “fix” themselves in the hope that they will stop being abused by their partner or ex-partner, because narcissists offer this false hope that if you do what they want, their behavior will change for the better.

What does narcissistic abuse look like? Other examples

Narcissistic abuse is the most damaging type of emotional abuse. It is a pattern of behaviour that can be abusive and traumatic for the victim. Narcissists use a variety of methods and tactics to exert power and control over their victims to satisfy their own needs.

However, narcissistic abuse can be particularly hard to recognise and even harder to identify as abuse, so I feel the need to give a few more concrete examples.

The following are some other examples of what narcissistic abuse looks like:

Effects of narcissistic abuse on victims

Narcissists cause deep emotional wounds to their victims. They don’t think it’s a big deal and can’t take responsibility for what they have done.

One of the most common effects of narcissistic abuse is the inability to trust one’s own judgement, as an effect of gaslighting and the constant attack on self-esteem.

Victims of narcissistic abuse feel that everything is their fault and no matter what they do, it is not enough.

One of the most dangerous aspects of narcissism is that victims become accustomed to feeling second-rate and unworthy, and this can lead to a kind of learned helplessness. In other words, they can easily slip into a generalised victim mentality.

Narcissistic victim abuse usually has three stages. The first stage is the idealization phase of the relationship (assiduous courting) which is followed by the devaluation phase (“you’re not good/good enough for me”) and then finally the dumping phase (when he replaces you with someone else when he feels he has nothing left to take from you).

A victim of narcissistic abuse can suffer from a range of mental and emotional difficulties, such as depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies and self-harming behaviours. Constant abuse can cause trauma and PTSD-like symptoms such as flashbacks and hypervigilance. However, the most common symptom of a person going through this is feeling like they are unworthy of being loved or appreciated.

In addition to these mental health issues, there are some more general effects of narcissistic abuse on relationships, such as codependency and withdrawal.

In conclusion, what you can do if you have been the victim of a narcissist

The first step is to recognise the signs of narcissistic abuse. It may take some time to be able to identify what’s going on or whether you’ve really been the victim of narcissistic abuse. It also takes a long time because it can be difficult for you to admit that you have stood by and endured all those humiliations without rebelling or walking away.

Once you’ve acknowledged the abusive behavior, talk to your friends or loved ones about your experience and seek a therapist you trust.

Victims of narcissistic abuse need to look at their relationship patterns with an open mind and realize where they may have been complicit in the abusive situation. They need to take responsibility for their role in the abusive situation and seek expert help as soon as possible so they can begin to heal from narcissistic abuse. One option for doing this is the guide I wrote, “How to get out of a relationship that hurts you.”

Another way you can regain control of your life is through therapy. Through therapy you’ll be able to recognize the destructive patterns in your life and work to create better habits and choose better relationships. In addition, once you realize that something is wrong, you can learn what behaviors to watch out for and how to better protect yourself from this type of abuse.

Therapy not only helps individuals, but also has the potential to make societies less toxic by reducing levels of abuse and aggression in communities, either by helping abusers reduce their aggression or by helping victims learn to better defend themselves. Preferably both at the same time.