Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who thinks they are never wrong, always blames it on someone else, isn’t responsible for their actions and never learns anything despite the mess they cause around them? Have you met someone who doesn’t tolerate even the mildest criticism, even when it’s constructive and politely addressed? If you have, then know that there’s a good chance that person suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissistic personality disorder is much more common than people think. Most narcissists don’t reveal themselves completely in public, but rather in private, in an environment where they feel safe: in a couple or family. The first sign that you might be dealing with this disorder is the difficulty some people have showing modesty.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who constantly demanded your undivided attention and got upset, sad or even angry when you dared to pay attention to other things or people? That’s a signal that you’re dealing with a narcissist. You need to understand that balanced adults don’t behave this way. A person who calls you 10-20 times a day and always needs attention and confirmation is not a balanced person. And if for you this behaviour is a proof of love or a proof that they miss you or need you, the problem is not only with that person but also with you: you have problems with setting boundaries in the relationship and enforcing them, you probably also have a narcissistic wound and possibly co-dependent personality elements. You need, in other words, therapy, not methods to repair the relationship with the narcissist.

What is narcissistic personality disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder belongs to the so-called category of dramatic personality disorders. Sufferers have intense and unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. Narcissistic personality disorder has particular characteristics such as an exaggerated love of self (which in fact masks self-loathing), an exaggerated sense of superiority or self-importance, and a constant preoccupation with achieving success and power.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder has an exaggerated sense of their own importance, believes they are entitled to everything, and has an extreme need for attention and admiration from others. They see themselves as superior and do not value what others feel (i.e. their empathy is almost non-existent, hence the frequent confusion between narcissist and sociopath or psychopath).

As a child, the narcissist has not had the opportunity to develop adequate self-esteem and, as such, has constructed what we call a False Self in order to get by in the world. This False Self involves wearing a mask in public, which has two important consequences for the narcissist:

• wearing the mask exhausts him in terms of intellectual and emotional resources
• he is always on his guard for fear of being discovered and of people seeing him as he really is

The false self allows the narcissist not to face the painful truth that he actually feels empty inside, fundamentally and profoundly flawed, and that his whole life is a masquerade created in order to hide this truth from others. The Narcissist has not consciously chosen to kill his Real Self and develop pathological behaviors, but the consequence of this unconscious choice is that he feels more and more taken over by his False Self which makes ever greater demands and is never satisfied.

In the Myth of Narcissus, the protagonist of the story falls in love with his reflection in the water. Apparently, he falls in love with himself, but think again: it’s not the self he falls in love with, but his reflection (his false self). The fact that he falls in love with his reflection is explained by the fact that he is unable to love himself for what he is, for certain parts of himself that he does not accept. In order to avoid confronting these parts, the narcissist creates an image of himself that he can live with and show to the world. He begins to believe that he is a god among mortals but, like any god, he needs people to know that he exists. The narcissist feels non-existent without the attention of others but at the same time despises this need for attention from people below him (i.e. everyone else).

Many people in a relationship with a narcissist at some point discover this insecurity and need for attention and try to love him even more. In addition, the narcissist blames his behaviors on something the other did (or didn’t do) and the other tries to do better next time. But this is not possible: increased efforts to help the narcissist only pave the way for even greater abuse on his part – the more attention or love you give him, and the more efforts you make to get in his good graces, the more he will punish you for making him more and more dependent on the narcissistic provision (i.e. admiration, attention or exaggerated affection) you offer him. After all, you’re just a mortal and he’s a god, he shouldn’t need you.

To some extent, all humans have a dose of narcissism: most people want the best in life for themselves and, strictly from a psychological point of view, everything we do is aimed at some emotional reward to make us feel better.

What distinguishes narcissism from normal behaviour is indifference to harm caused to others: the narcissist doesn’t care about the effects of his actions on others, as long as he gets what he wants.

Modern society encourages this behaviour and teaches us that in the world the strongest survive. People interpret this message by equating authenticity with weakness and the narcissist is terrorised by the thought that he might be vulnerable (meaning emotionally authentic).

This is why narcissistic disorder is far more prevalent than we might be tempted to believe at first glance, because this selfishness has become acceptable in society and sometimes even desirable. The world sends us (subtly or directly) the message that selfishness is necessary to achieve success.

The narcissist tries to hide the truth (that he feels weak and unworthy of affection) first by personal charm and then, if charm doesn’t work, by intimidation.

Like the borderline and the codependent, the narcissist is terrified of the prospect of abandonment but the solution is different: the codependent clings to the other person with all his strength, the borderline is emotionally labile and overreacts to any small sign of abandonment and the narcissist facilitates abandonment, makes sure it happens. In a way, abandonment confirms his perceived status as a superior being: he knew he would be abandoned anyway.

Narcissistic traits

According to the DSM-IV (a diagnostic manual published by the American Psychiatric Association), narcissistic personality disorder has the following characteristics:

• an exaggerated perception of personal achievements and abilities
• a constant need for attention, validation and praise
• a belief that the person is special and should only be around people of the same caliber
• frequent fantasies about achieving fame, success or power
• exploiting others for personal gain
• a strong sense of entitlement to preferential treatment
• frequently envies others or is convinced that others envy him or her

In addition to these, experienced clinical psychologists have also identified the following characteristics:

• an inability to receive the emotions of others
• expecting others to agree with any proposal or plan he makes
• difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
• frequently feeling hurt and rejected if someone disagrees with anything they say
• responds to criticism with anger, shame or feeling humiliated

An important point to make about lack of empathy is this: don’t make the mistake of thinking that the narcissist suffers because he or she can’t receive the emotions of others. On the contrary, consider that this gives him an advantage that will help him achieve success and much-desired power. He considers himself superior because he does not have this weakness and deeply despises those who show it. As such, the more you try to encourage him to feel emotions, the more he will despise you.

A very strong indicator of narcissism is extreme jealousy, usually coupled with severe sexual perversions and insecurity about one’s own sexual performance. When I say extreme sexual perversions, I mean severely degrading treatment of the opposite sex. If you think of “50 Shades of Grey” (the movie or the book) then you are right: the story is of a classic narcissist (Grey) and his deviant sexual behavior is illustrative of this disorder. And his partner’s behaviour is illustrative of that of a co-dependent, able to endure countless humiliations and abuse in the hope of gaining the narcissist’s affection.

Narcissistic men are essentially misogynistic: they desperately seek to conquer women but inwardly despise them as sluts, sexually manipulative, attention-seeking at all costs and untrustworthy. During sexual intercourse, the narcissist often recreates the fantasy of revenge on the mother through his perversions and will unconsciously seek to destroy his partner’s self-esteem, femininity and sexuality.

Narcissistic women are also driven by hatred or contempt for the opposite sex and unconsciously want to punish all men for what their father did to them as a child (not necessarily physical or sexual abuse, but the narcissistic wound, stemming from an ignorance of the child’s emotional needs).

Another symptom of narcissism is pathological lying, born out of the need to maintain control of the situation. This inclination arose at a very young age and the narcissist has not learned that lying creates distrust and separation from others, thus destroying any relationship. The narcissist believes he is entitled to lie because it is the only way he has learned to cope in the world. Furthermore, he believes that everyone else does the same and trusts no one. He thinks that by lying he ensures that he will win before you do. For him, honesty gives others the opportunity to control him and lies thus become malignant and the narcissist begins to believe them. This is why such lies are often hard to detect even on a polygraph test.

Diagnosis criteria for NPD

Narcissistic personality disorder ranges on a spectrum from moderate to acute, so two people with this disorder may behave in completely different ways. This disorder is very difficult to diagnose, even by mental health professionals.

Most of the time the diagnosis is not even possible as the narcissist doesn’t come into the surgery because:

• they don’t think they need help because there is nothing wrong with them
• the therapist is beneath him anyway and would have no way of helping him in any way

The problem with narcissistic personality disorder

However, why is this disorder a problem? Because it hinders the formation of healthy interpersonal relationships: narcissism involves an attitude of separation, of “me versus you” and distrust. This perspective makes it impossible to create and maintain a healthy relationship, which would involve cooperation, teamwork and mutual trust.

The narcissist does not punish himself for treating others badly, but for failing to be God. This is why they are very attracted to vulnerability, to people they perceive as inferior, to unstable or disturbed personalities (a common couple is narcissistic-borderline).

These types of people offer him the (implicit) promise of a stable narcissistic supply: the inferior can offer him adoration, the troubled, abused or traumatised can become dependent on him, and the vulnerable can be easily handled without much risk.

When the narcissist builds such toxic relationships, he makes an effort to communicate his own pain or shame to the other, and to do this he resorts to the vocabulary of empathy. But this is just a smokescreen and not an honest confession: the narcissist is capable of doing almost anything to ensure his narcissistic provision and what he says does not adequately reflect what is going on inside: it is just a tactic of manipulation of the other and sometimes even self-manipulation, the narcissist having the ability to convince himself that he feels those emotions at the intensity he declares.

To understand the problem the narcissist faces in relationships, imagine him constantly oscillating between two impulses: the urge to get close to people and the fear of rejection. If he gets too close to someone and the relationship becomes intimate, he fears that he will eventually be rejected and abandoned. That’s why he distances himself from that person, behaves badly and thus provokes the very rejection he fears most. This is a behaviour that, in scientific terms, is called the repetitive approach-avoidance complex.

The narcissist is not always irritating and can even be particularly charming, which causes confusion in the minds of those who don’t know they are dealing with a personality disorder.

But this only happens as long as his need for admiration is satisfied and as long as he feels he is getting from life what he wants. If not rewarded with constant admiration, the narcissist’s attention will turn to other stimuli rather quickly, despite the fact that, at first, it seemed to be everything you wanted from a partner.

The time he spends hunting for new sources of narcissistic supply (as he did in your case in the beginning) takes up so much of his personal resources that there’s not much left to offer others, at least not without a hidden agenda. Inevitably, the redirection of his attention to something else is the fault of anyone other than himself and this blaming of the other (which is often the partner) continues until the narcissistic provision is received again.

Blaming occurs through the phenomenon of projection: the victim of his attacks becomes, in the narcissist’s eyes, the symbol of all the elements that disgust him about his own personality. The narcissist will accuse his target of everything that displeases him about himself: that he does not care about the feelings of others, that he is manipulative or cunning, that he is not trustworthy.

The narcissist always finds a justification or excuse for his behaviour. You will often hear something like “I did that thing because I was angry” and, in his mind, anger is reason enough to do anything, regardless of the harm caused to others. You don’t have to take it personally: the narcissist simply doesn’t have the inner resources to feel anything other than his own hurt. To understand how you can resist these abuses, I recommend you buy my guide “How to get out of a relationship that hurts you” by clicking here.

Often narcissists display a superior image to others: expensive clothes, cars or accessories. But if you look closely, you see that their whole life is a house of cards, a series of catastrophes waiting to happen. There is some consensus among mental health specialists that narcissists usually end up alone, bankrupt and completely marginalised by society. One explanation for this “destiny” is precisely this game with fire in which they constantly engage out of a need to evade and convince others of their superiority.

Types of narcissism

All narcissists are concerned only with themselves, show no empathy and consider themselves superior to everyone else. All narcissists show arrogance and even contempt towards others and find it very difficult to receive feedback on their own behaviour. They are also often completely indifferent to the effect their own behaviour has on others. From the narcissist’s point of view, what they feel and what they need is the responsibility of everyone around them and what others feel and need is solely their responsibility.

There are, however, differences between narcissists, particularly in their self-image and how they relate to their emotions. We can distinguish two clear types:

Vulnerable narcissists

Vulnerable narcissists are more emotionally sensitive. They often feel helpless, experience acute anxiety and feel wronged when others do not treat them as if they are the most important people on earth. Like the borderline, the vulnerable narcissist is preoccupied with fear of rejection and abandonment. They oscillate between feeling inferior and superior depending on current events in their personal life. A personal crisis (divorce, loss of a job, death of a loved one) may bring him into psychotherapy but as soon as the moment is over, he leaves therapy.

The vulnerable narcissist compensates for low self-esteem stemming from a sense of deep shame. This shame is caused by defence mechanisms developed in childhood, when the vulnerable narcissist had to find a way to survive abuse, indifference or neglect from the parent. Because a close relationship was never developed with that parent, the child never felt safe and now, as an adult, unconsciously recreates that insecurity to which he has become accustomed. As a partner, the vulnerable narcissist tries to get and keep the respect of the partner but gets angry at any suggestion that he or she should change something in their own behaviour. He may have hidden extramarital affairs but in the same will accuse his partner of infidelity and frequently have obsessive thoughts about how he could prevent his partner’s infidelity.

From the outside you might be confused by this duality, but you will begin to understand the dynamics better if you remember that this person has become accustomed to feeling either inferior or superior based on external stimuli (in this case, the parent’s childhood behavior) and has learned that his or her inner state depends on these external stimuli. If you have a narcissistic partner and struggle to accept that their states are not your responsibility, then you may have co-dependent personality elements, which means that the narcissist is pushing your most sensitive buttons. And it also means that you have more important things to deal with than constantly worrying that you might do something that will hurt his sensitivity. Specifically, get into therapy and start taking care of yourself first. It’s not called selfishness if you really need to do that to have a normal life.

Grandiose narcissists

Grandiose narcissists are much less sensitive and display much greater confidence in their own strengths. When I say narcissistic you probably think of this type first. These people are convinced of their own superiority and will seek revenge (or at least react angrily) against anyone who dares to say something negative about their behaviour. They show no evidence of any sense of shame towards themselves and their self-esteem is apparently extremely high. Their parents have taught them from an early age that they are superior so they are not compensating for any childhood trauma but simply expect the world to continue to treat them as they have always been treated.

They are not particularly interested in their partner and can easily walk away from a relationship that doesn’t give them the admiration they need. They may have multiple intimate relationships without hiding it, and will take this as proof that there are many people who think they are wonderful. Like those with antisocial disorder, they may be extremely aggressive and domineering, without giving any indication that they feel emotions such as empathy or remorse.

Narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage

Narcissistic injury is any form of aggression (real or perceived) on a person’s self-esteem.

Its effects are amplified by two aggravating factors:

• the presence of a narcissistic wound
• the presence of a personality disorder (especially narcissistic personality disorder)

In the absence of these two factors, most people have the resources to deal constructively with the effects of a narcissistic blow.

It should be said here that not everyone who has a narcissistic injury also suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. All those who suffer from this disorder, however, have a narcissistic wound present in their personality. And these people are also the ones who fall into what we call narcissistic rage.

Events usually unfold in the following way:

A person close to the narcissist, e.g. the partner, on whom the narcissist relies to provide the narcissistic resource (admiration), disrupts this resource in one of the following ways:

• neglects the narcissist
• paying too much attention to other people
• criticises or blames him/her
• stops giving him special treatment

This behaviour is perceived by the narcissist as either unfair or an attack on his superiority and disrespectful. In essence, the narcissistic wound has been reactivated and the narcissist no longer has the usual compensatory ways (the narcissistic resource) available to him, which leaves him exposed to the narcissistic wound. In order not to confront it (because he doesn’t want to and never wanted to), all the negative feelings that are overwhelming him at that moment are blamed on the person who, in his mind, he imagines caused the whole event. That person becomes, in that moment, the source of those unbearable emotions he feels and the narcissist’s response is narcissistic rage.

The point to remember here is that, for the narcissist, the narcissistic blow is as unbearable as abandonment is for the borderline: he will do anything not to face it. Sure, confrontation is actually the key to his healing but in very few cases does it get there.

Perception is very important in these cases: the threat might not be real and a person without the disorder would not understand it that way. A wide variety of situations can fall into this category, such as someone disagreeing with an opinion of theirs or, for example, suggesting that certain clothes don’t fit very well. These situations arise in any of our lives and each time we decide whether to pay attention to them or not. But the narcissist feels compelled to respond and that response will invariably be a retort, a counter-attack.

Sometimes the attack can be understood from the absence of a particular gesture. Whenever the narcissist does something, however insignificant, he expects praise from others. If those people do not see fit to praise him, the narcissist perceives this silence as an insult or criticism of his actions and retaliates accordingly.

But the threat can also be real, such as revealing a lie told by the narcissist, questioning his superiority, or suggesting that the narcissist’s needs might take a back seat.

This response to the perceived threat is called narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rage is a quick and visceral reaction, often completely out of proportion to what triggered it. In action, it translates into reactions ranging from complete ignorance of the source of the threat to verbal and even physical violence. The response to the perceived threat is often to humiliate the other, rather than pay attention to the content of the criticism or misunderstanding.

For the narcissist everything is an attack on the person and the list of things that can trigger narcissistic rage is extremely long: when he is contradicted, when he is not given special treatment, when others do anything that might contradict his grandiose self-image. His response is to go into narcissistic rage and what he thinks at that moment (and sometimes even verbalizes) is something close to the question “how dare you?” or “how dare you?”

There are two types of narcissistic rage:

• explosive: the narcissist goes out of his or her mind and attacks anything nearby (people or objects), is verbally and/or physically violent
• passive-aggressive: the narcissist sulks and punishes by silence, while plotting revenge.

The narcissist constantly experiences two levels of anger:

• superficial level: directed at the perceived source of his frustration
• deep level: directed at the self

The reinforcing mechanism of this behaviour is as follows: the narcissist goes from a good state of mind to uncontrolled anger within a few seconds and the other, taken by surprise, submits out of fear or confusion, which makes the narcissist conclude that this behaviour works and should be used more often.

How do you defend yourself from narcissistic rage?

First you need to understand that logical or rational arguments won’t work and you won’t change the narcissist’s mind in that moment. It’s about controlling the situation and being perceived by yourself as perfect, not about logical arguments. Any hint that he is losing control or not perfect in your eyes will fuel his anger even more so you will have to say whatever he needs to feel back in control and admired by you. Of course, this is for the short term to ensure your physical and emotional safety. Later you can decide if you want to end up in a similar situation again. If you don’t want to end up in the same situation again, here are details of my guide “How to get out of a relationship that hurts you”.

In conclusion

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious and difficult condition to treat, even when the narcissist becomes aware of the situation and seeks help by going to therapy. Healing is possible, but for this to happen, the narcissist must endure the position of vulnerability in therapy and learn to endure the perceived inferiority of the emotional honesty that is absolutely necessary for the therapeutic process to work.