What is emotional codependency?

You’ve always wanted to make others happy, even at the cost of your own well-being.

In a couple relationship, you’re afraid to confront your partner for fear they’ll leave you. However, if you think about it, in almost every situation the other person’s feelings seem to be more important than your own.

You care too much about what other people think of you and you know it, you just can’t help yourself.

If you think someone has looked down on you, you’re apt to stay up all night struggling to figure out what you did to deserve this treatment.

You’re always making excuses to those closest to you for their behavior towards you, but telling yourself that you didn’t do enough to earn their sympathy or affection.

If you somehow happen to put yourself first, you are overcome with guilt.

You’ve often prolonged relationships that weren’t good for you, just for fear of confrontation or the other person’s hurt, even though you knew the relationship wasn’t right.

Does that sound familiar?

If so, then it might surprise you that these manifestations describe a disorder called emotional codependency.

In what follows, you will learn the following:

How to recognize emotional codependency – the symptoms
What is emotional codependency (a brief theoretical framework)
The difference between addiction and emotional codependency
What causes emotional codependency
What implications does emotional codependency have on a person’s life
Healing codependency – how to get rid of emotional codependency

I hope this information will be helpful to you in making the decision to change your life for the better.

How to recognise emotional codependency – the symptoms

Codependence is mostly emotional dependence, meaning that your feelings and moods depend on how others feel about you.

It’s that tendency to cling to people, a tendency that pushes others away and makes potential partners less attracted to you. Because clinging to others only pushes them away, ultimately.

One of the most common symptoms in codependency is not feeling safe when your partner isn’t around. You only feel safe when your partner is with you and you are sure that he or she is happy around you.

Those with this disorder may have serious difficulty identifying how they feel, precisely because they are far too focused on how their partner is feeling. You may have difficulty making any decisions out of fear about how the other might react to your choice.

Codependency means that you have serious difficulties in meeting your own needs. You may not know what you want, what you desire, or what is good for you. It’s hard to find inner peace and feel safe as long as you ignore everything about yourself and focus on the other person.

Codependent people often show signs of sensitivity and insecurity from an early age. They have low self-esteem and constantly seek validation from outside themselves, as if others’ opinions of them matter more than their own. They desperately seek someone to tell them they are good enough to receive attention, care and affection.

This constant search for happiness on the outside means that eventually, the codependent person can only be satisfied when they receive validation from someone. The feeling that dominates his life is that of not being good enough.

A brief theoretical framework for emotional codependency

Codependence is not easy to define, as even among specialists its definitions vary. Some see it as excessive preoccupation with the problems of others in a naive attempt to satisfy one’s own unmet emotional needs. Others describe it as an affection for relationships, where the real problem is the relationship with oneself.

One popular definition describes codependency as growing dependent on another person, who in turn depends on something they can’t actually rely on. That something that cannot be relied upon is an addiction, whether we’re talking about alcohol, drugs, gambling or something else.

Codependency is a dysfunctional state that causes a person to lose themselves in a relationship. Thus, they ignore their own needs, emotions and problems and focus obsessively on the needs, emotions and problems of the other person. Has an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others and has trouble having personal boundaries or respecting them. For them, relationships are a constant pain and they often struggle with anxiety, depression, guilt and resentment because of this.

This description of codependency has many elements in common with eating disorders. One author, Denise Bynum, wrote in 2012 that “anxiety, depression, anger, and compulsions are the psychological problems most often associated with eating disorders and codependency.” Many authors believe that eating disorders and codependency share common roots and even that symptoms of one are directly proportional to the other (when eating disorder symptoms are strong, so are codependency symptoms).

Codependence was first observed in children of alcoholics, who developed particular patterns of denial, shame, blame, avoidance, lack of personal boundaries, low self-esteem, and extreme responsiveness to the needs of others, all of which were mechanisms by which children of alcoholics tried to compensate for their parent’s problems. These characteristics were maintained into adulthood, with mature children also entering unstable and abusive relationships as adults.

In the meantime, codependency no longer refers only to families in which at least one member is affected by alcoholism and has come to include other categories, namely any family in which at least one parent is abusive or exhibits neglectful behaviour. Thus, codependency often refers to a suite of characteristics of people who have someone with a personality disorder or mental illness in their family.

Codependents are usually unhappy with the way their lives are going, but fear the consequences of trying to defend themselves or detach.

Characteristics and symptoms of emotional codependency

Codependents can be recognized by certain key phrases, which they use when discussing themselves or the problems they face.

Denial Pattern:
– I find it hard to figure out how I feel.
– I minimize, modify, or even deny my emotional barrenness.
– I think I am a completely unselfish person who is concerned about the well-being of others.

Low self-esteem trait:
– I have trouble making decisions.
– I am very self-critical, nothing I think, say or do is good enough.
– I get very embarrassed if I receive praise or praise.
– I don’t ask others to respect my needs or desires.
– I don’t really believe I deserve attention or affection from others.

Submissiveness Pattern:
– I sacrifice my own values and beliefs so that I won’t be rejected by others or upset them.
– I am very empathetic to others’ barrenness and I easily become infected with the same condition myself.
– I am afraid to express opinions that differ from those of others.
– I stop myself from doing something I like if someone else asks me to do something that that person likes.
– I settle for sex, even if I actually want affection.

Control Pattern:
– I think most people don’t know how to take care of themselves.
– I go out of my way to convince others of how they “should” feel
– I get upset when someone won’t let me help them
– I often give advice without being asked
– I overwhelm those I care about with gifts and favors
– I use sex to gain approval or acceptance.
– In a relationship, I need to feel that the other person needs me

Other common characteristics:
– Excessive responsibility for the actions of others
– Tendency to confuse love with pity and tendency to “fall in love” with people they can pity and then save from their cruel fate
– Tendency to overstep their boundaries
– Tendency to victimize when their efforts are not recognized
– Will do anything to cling to the relationship, Feel guilty if they stand up for themselves or demand their rights
– Lack of trust in self or others
– Fear of abandonment or being alone
– Difficulty acknowledging their own emotions
– Difficulty coping – rigidity
– Lack of personal boundaries
– Anger control problems
– Duplicitous or lying behaviour

In essence, codependency causes stress and gives rise to painful emotions such as shame and low self-esteem. These, in turn, give rise to fear of:
– Being judged
– Being rejected or abandoned
– Making mistakes
– Being a loser
– Being too closeted or feeling trapped
– Being alone

All of these symptoms eventually lead to anger, resentment, depression, hopelessness or despair. And, when emotions are too intense, feelings of emotional numbness often occur.

Does this mean we’re all codependent?

Well, no. It’s one thing to exhibit codependent behavior in certain situations, and another to do it all the time.

For example, many men go out of their way to impress on the first date, even though, in terms of relationship dynamics, this is often a fatal mistake for the relationship. They are simply so excited or intimidated that they can’t help themselves.

Similarly, a person who has just received a promotion is likely to do everything in their power to prove that they were the right choice for the job.

These behaviors, taken individually, do not constitute a disorder.

But if these behaviors are repeated in different situations or over long periods of time, they may signal the existence of the disorder.

To continue the example, it’s understandable that in the first few months after a promotion, you may be grateful to your direct boss and want to impress him or her, but if even 10 years later you still feel indebted, then there may be a problem at hand.

And to further clarify the term, let’s look at what codependency is not.

What emotional codependency is not

Just because you care about the well-being of your loved ones doesn’t mean you’re codependent. Not even when you’re trying to control someone’s behavior because you know they’re hurting themselves (e.g., a drug addict).

Codependence is also not taking controlling behavior to the level of abuse. That intensity is characteristic of narcissistic disorder or sociopathy.

Moreover, not every partner of an alcoholic is codependent. It takes a whole chain of factors to create the disorder, and usually childhood trauma is not missing from the picture of that person’s life.

Codependence and counterdependence

An interesting phenomenon occurs in some cases of codependency: the person who until then seemed completely absorbed by another person (usually the partner) has a 180-degree turn and behaves in the opposite direction, i.e. rejects the person who until recently had been the object of his or her obsession.

This phenomenon is called counterdependence, and in a codependent relationship, partners often alternate the roles of co- and counterdependent. That is, first one of them rejects the other, while that other becomes increasingly desperate not to be rejected, then the other turns his or her back and the previously rejecting partner becomes desperate for attention.

What are the characteristics of counterdependence

Contradependence is the “condition” suffered by those who fear bullying and emotional attachment. These people manage to convince themselves that they don’t need other people by denying their own needs and avoiding intimacy as much as possible.

Other characteristic signs of counterdependence are as follows:

– They ask for help from others extremely rarely, if at all
– Intimacy causes them anxiety
– They hide their weaknesses from others
– They don’t seem aware of the needs or desires of others
– They tend to sexualize any gesture of affection
– They worry about how they look
– They are perfectionists
– They are afraid of appearing weak
– They are not in touch with their own emotions

Codependent people tend to choose counterdependent partners, thus forming what I call a neurotic affiliation, in other words, two problems compatible with each other.

You could say that many relationships look like this and that it’s normal for one partner to love less and reject the other. Only you’d be wrong, because that’s not a healthy relationship pattern, it’s a toxic, often even abusive one.

The healthy pattern is one of interdependence. Interdependence involves mutual dependence based on trust, not manipulation or other trickery.

Difference between dependence, codependence and interdependence

Codependent personality disorder is not included in the DSM-V diagnostic manual. This disorder is not to be confused with dependent personality disorder, present in the DSM-V, with which it shares a number of symptoms, but from which it differs in essential elements:

– The foundation of dependent disorder is in late adolescence or entry into adulthood, whereas codependency has its origins in childhood and the early family.
– Dependent disorder is cluster C (fear/anxiety type), whereas codependent disorder I would classify more in cluster B, which includes disorders such as narcissism and borderline, disorders characterized by poor emotional control and seemingly irrational behaviors. In my opinion, codependency has the same origin as the other disorders in this category, namely the narcissistic wound of not feeling loved by one’s parent.

Also, I could also classify codependent disorder among emotional attachment disorders, in the category of anxiety-type attachment. If it seems confusing (because I said I wouldn’t classify codependent disorder among fear/anxiety type disorders), here’s another distinction between the two, perhaps the most important:

– Dependent Personality Disorder runs on the idea that the person can only do things with someone else’s help and in someone else’s presence. The person suffering from codependent disorder goes on the idea that the other person cannot do things without his or her help.
– Of course, codependents are also dependent on others. But they are essentially dependent on others’ dependence on them.

It’s a subtle but very important difference. I think it would have been easier though if the two names weren’t so similar.

I mentioned interdependence as a healthy alternative earlier, so it’s worth elaborating a bit on the subject.

Interdependence differs from codependence in that the relationship is not symbiotic, partners can rely on each other for support, understanding or help, but each partner remains autonomous and can function on their own.

In a codependent relationship, at least one partner relies so heavily on the other that they are unable to function on their own. Or, at the very least, is convinced that they can’t. The codependent needs the other person to need him or her, otherwise he or she is not comfortable.

In an interdependent relationship, no one is happy because the other needs help or support, because that means they have a problem. And, if he has a problem, it means he’s not doing well. And you don’t have to be happy when your partner is not doing well.

What causes emotional codependency

Codependency usually has its origins in childhood. A child forced to constantly care for others will eventually suppress his or her own needs and may even become dependent on the caregiver status imposed on him or her.

These children have been given the message that it is selfish to care and they learn to feel guilty whenever they are tempted to take care of themselves. And when they didn’t comply, they were punished, either by ignoring them or “the silent treatment” or even verbal or physical abuse. Or they willingly gave up on their own needs, because they felt they couldn’t control what was happening to them and saw how the parent was too overwhelmed or preoccupied with their own problems to care and provide the support they needed.

A child subjected to traumatic events or a disorganized family will abandon childhood concerns and go into survival mode. In survival mode, the person is hyper-vigilant and constantly scans the environment for possible threats. This person will avoid introspection, believing it to be not only unnecessary but also dangerous, because it distracts from alertness, which can put them in danger.

In dysfunctional families, there is usually no recognition that there is a problem. The dependent or sick parent becomes the family secret, and the other members are forced to suppress their emotions so as not to reveal the secret to others. They develop defence mechanisms to help them repress their emotions, mechanisms such as denial, ignoring or avoidance. They detach themselves from their emotions, don’t talk about problems, don’t touch, don’t hug, don’t confront the problem. And most of all, they don’t trust anyone.

These children learn that they are responsible for the problems of others, especially their parents. As a result, they have low self-esteem because they feel they have let their troubled parent down by not being able to help or not helping enough. That is, they internalize someone else’s problems and create unrealistic expectations about what is and is not their responsibility and what they can and cannot control in a relationship. These unrealistic expectations carry with them into adult life and create problems for them in relationships with others. Their goal is to solve everyone’s problems, and because they don’t succeed, they feel incompetent and a failure, just as they felt as children.

What implications does emotional codependency have on a person’s life

If everyone around them has a problem, the codependent can’t relax. He might go to unreasonable lengths to keep the peace around him, even when others are aggressive or defiant. When their boundaries are crossed, they become overactive, overly emotional and even manic.

A codependent person spends most of their time caring for others, so they usually expect reciprocation. If others don’t reciprocate and don’t give them as much attention as the codependent feels they deserve, they will feel betrayed and try to manipulate or emotionally blackmail them.

She will say things like “I’m sad so I need you to take care of me” or “you upset me, you should feel guilty for how you made me feel”.

If the partner refuses to play this role, the codependent will expect one of the children to take on the role of caregiver, and thus the disorder is passed on to the next generation.

A codependent person will not feel comfortable if they are not in a relationship, and may take many risks to avoid being alone.

As a rule, codependents attract narcissistic people because they give them the attention they need. The narcissist will enjoy all the attention for a while, but will become distant and aggressive when the codependent asks them to do the same.

However, codependents may not seem that way at all when viewed from the outside. They may disguise their need for others with behaviors that make them seem like they are always in control of what is going on.

In order to hide the fact that they feel they have no control over their lives, they may paradoxically behave in ways exactly contrary to their true tendencies.
– They may become the one or the one on whom others can always rely.
– They may become “professional volunteers”.
– They may encourage others to let them become their mentor, protector, or confidant, thus becoming indispensable and avoiding the possibility of being abandoned

All these behaviours, controlling, supportive, over-responsive, manipulative, rescuing or sacrificing, are ultimately aimed at resolving the childhood need: to be unconditionally accepted by their caregivers. But all their behaviours lead them towards a conditional acceptance at best from others. Conditioned by favours, manipulation, indebtedness and so on.

Moreover, they appear trustworthy but at the same time distrustful of others, which puts them in a position to be taken advantage of, just as parents did in childhood. And their caring behaviour encourages a lack of responsibility for each other.

Thinking patterns of the codependent

Diotomous (categorical) thinking assumes that everything is either black or white. This approach causes them to overreact in social situations and, at the slightest sign that something might be wrong, to back down.

Personalization means that they interpret everything that happens around them as being about them, or directed against them. If someone makes an ironic remark, they will think it was an attack on them.

Over-analysis frequently occurs in codependency. The mind keeps going in circles until the nervous system collapses due to the resulting anxiety.

Exaggeration of harm is another symptom of codependency. If you grew up in an addictive or traumatic environment, you come to expect the worst all the time. As an adult, you give the worst possible interpretation of situations, you make a “mosquito a stallion”, as they say. This expectation gives rise to a whole chain of reactions and turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy, making your fears come true.

Physical and emotional consequences of codependency

Because they are not in touch with their own emotions, codependent people develop disorders such as depression, anxiety or mood disorders. Difficulties in relationships are also common.

Physical problems that can occur range from gastrointestinal disorders, severe migraines and skin conditions to high blood pressure, sleep disorders and other stress-related conditions.

Helpful resources on the topic of codependency:

Mental Health America

Very Well Mind

Psych Central

Healing codependency – how to get rid of emotional codependency

Starting from its causes, codependency is treated by exploring childhood trauma, the destructive patterns developed as a result of that trauma, reconnecting with one’s own emotions, and rebuilding productive interpersonal dynamics.

As mentioned above, codependency is often passed on by the parent to the child, either directly by directing the child to take on the role of caretaker of the parent’s needs, or indirectly through the parent’s apparent inability to care for themselves.

If you find yourself in the description in this article, you should know that a codependent person can “heal” completely. I put cure in quotation marks because it’s an exaggeration, codependency is not a disease. But I know that people who come into the practice ask me exactly that, if they can ever be cured.

The answer is yes. But it’s a process that can take, sometimes weeks, usually months, sometimes years. The question is whether it’s worth the effort. I think it is. Primarily for yourself, because you’ll be able to have healthy relationships with others, instead of relationships where you abuse each other in one form or another. And secondly, for your children (if you want to have them or if you already have them). Because if you don’t stop the vicious cycle of codependency, chances are good that you’ll pass on codependency to your children, too, without even realizing you’re doing it. But it is possible to get rid of codependency, and all the trauma can stop with you.

You decide if it’s worth it.